commitment phobic? a bit long
So I posted a few days ago about breaking up with my girlfriend...Im 27 years old. I've been trying to figure myself out lately, wondering if Im commitment phobic, or if I just dont WANT a commitment right now, or if my relationships just weren't the ones. When I was 19, I dated a girl for 3 1/2 years. She was my first real gf. We lived together for 3 of those years. We had a peaceful relationship and connected well. Looking back I probably missed out on a lot of the "college" life. I loved her but eventually the magic wore off and I felt trapped and unhappy. After breaking up however, I was afraid of hurting her and when she wanted to see me I obliged, and we hooked up from time to time. This was a big mistake because I guess I was ultimately leading her on and it was harder getting over the whole thing. I thought of it as friends with benefits. Looking back this was a big mistake. Even when I was single I never really FELT single and my dating suffered.
Then about a year and 1/2 later I met the girl that I just broke up with. I was still in contact with my ex, and it caused me great anxiety. However I felt I needed to move on once and for all. I did tell her from the beginning though that I wasnt ready for a relationship and made sure she knew that, but I was giving it a shot. #2 is also a great girl. We didnt have the same sort of spiritual connection but I felt freer with her and the sex was waaaay better. She is very petite and Im not really attracted to that but she is a beautiful girl and we got along well. This relationship suffered at first cause I still wasnt completely over the last relationship and she picked up on it. I was defending the ex at times. #2 was already a jealous insecure type so this led to fights...and the fights would ultimately stem to other parts of the relationship. Eventually I got over the last relationship. We still fought a lot but we loved each other, however I could never commit to living with her after my last relationship and she was jealous of that too. Over time I had much of the same feelings of the magic being gone. When we first started dating she went out all the time and I liked hanging out with her, but then we settled into each other. This girl is also 34 so the pressures of not wasting her child bearing years wore on me.
I feel like in both cases I gave too much of myself to make them both happy and eventually grew to resent it. In #2's case we lived about 40 min apart and worked opposite hours so the weekend was our only REAL time. After a while my weekend trips felt like an obligation. I felt like I was losing friends and certainly not making any. Im already seeing #2 going out with her friends and having fun (to forget about me and cheer up Im sure), but she seems like the girl I met, and not the one I broke up with (with "myspace" its way too easy to spy..I really shouldn't do that.) Im just still confused and wondering if I have a problem.