Droopy my friend,
I understand what you are going through. As you have told me in the past, you can make it through this. At least your EAP person seemed to give a good response. I went to see one where I work for post-partum depression and being pulled in so many directions, blah blah......her reply, "get a housekeeper to come in a few times a week and send the kids to daycare"
Yeah...that was a big help....NOT!!!
I don't blame you for not wanting to go to outpatient treatment and it may not be the best option for you. Have you tried maybe just going to counseling--the one to one type?? Maybe that would help.
You have made a big change in your life and maybe your upsweep in getting clean has hit a head and is now on the downslide because you don't have any other markers to hit...does that make any sense to you? I kind of can comapare it to a homecoming when DH has been at sea for 8 months, you get a picture of how things will be in your head and it ultimately never meets our expectations, then you get the letdown. KWIM?
Anyway, you can at least take solace in knowing that you have helped others, meaning me, in trying to get a hold of things. Stay busy and see if you can talk to a counselor about things. Are you able to talk to your wife at all? She seems like she is a real gem.
Oh, a bit for me....I had 2 pills left and took them today....no more for me. I have taken a couple alprazolam for dealing with the 3 demon spawn, but I plan on this situation getting better in a few days when I get over the hump.
Anyhow, they need a snack before bed, but I will check in with you later.