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Old 05-04-2008, 01:56 PM   #5
norco18 norco18 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: ca
Posts: 19
norco18 HB User
Re: Clean but Depressed PLEASE ADVISE

Thanks Droopy, but I FEEL all alone. I tried getting up to go downstairs and do the laundry and fainted, luckily I was on the last step and didn't fall too far. I had to beg them not to take me to the dr, that I am fine. I've lost 10 pounds in two weeks, which isn't good since I wasn't very "healthy' to begin with. I guess I just don't understand why the sub made me feel so normal, so alive, so energetic. I played baseball with the kids, I ran around, I got stuff done and I felt better than I ever had. Healthy, normal, alive. And now? I just want to crawl in a hole and go to sleep forever. This isn't right. What's wrong with me? Every one writes that being "clean" is wonderful and feels so much better, but if this is "better" I don't want it. My body isn't better and my mind isn't either. Yes, it's better than when I was taking too many norcos, but it isn't better than the sub. At least I had energy then. I'm not going to take it, because some part of mind brain knows I can't take it forever and I sure as hell don't want to feel better then have it ripped out from under me again, like it has been. Or rather, yeah, I know, I ripped it out from myself.

I don't even know who I am anymore. Maybe I never knew. I was so sick for so long (epilepsy, lupus, then liver failure - hereditary) and took so many different meds that I didn't know where the pain ended and the medicine began. THen, I was assaulted and hurt (coma for a week, then rehab to learn things again, like walking) and the meds became a good medicine not just for body but for numbing the memories of that night. I knew i was hooked on the meds for reasons besides physical, so I asked the pain management doc to help me and he started me on the sub. I felt so great and amazing, I thought it was a miracle, that I was "back" and then when I went off the sub, to realize that wasn't me, it was just the medicine? Just a different medicine? That the "real me" is this depressed, lifeless useless person? what's the point then? I know I am ranting and thanks for listening. I feel like I am a ghost typing the words HELP into this computer, begging someone to listen and knowing in my heart no one cares. Oh well. Back to sleep. at least it's quiet there.