Re: Clean but Depressed PLEASE ADVISE
Mike and Junior (NorcoJR, that's your nickname to me, haha)
It's 652am and I'll using my 2nd DOC which is Ryan's Hope reruns from 1977. God bless DVRs and a wife who sleeps til I'm done watching. I never thought I would give a rip about soaps but when I was on active duty in cuba, we would sit around watching Days of our Lives at lunchtime instead of going for chow.
Betty Buckley is playing an extra trying to seduce Frank Ryan while he's in the Dominican Republic, to get the divorce from Delia, who wants to now marry his brother Pat, and Frank plans to then marry Jill, who is carrying Dr Seneca Beaulac's baby.
See? What red blooded straight man wouldn't fall for this?
Mike -- thank you for your appreciation for my posts and also my service. I'm in the inactive reserve now, the "you've done your time, now you're waiting for retirement to kick in" Navy. I know some of my depression is related to not being in the "real" Navy anymore. The good thing is, I stay involved. I do classes ad hoc at the reserve center, and enjoy seeing 50 22 year olds looking up at the Old guy twice their age. I tell it like it is. I'm a good speaker. (Now's the time to build myself up, right?!) There is definitely a mentor in my and it is a huge part of what frustrates me at work, even as a new person. My boss can not deal with my doing anything except exactly what she says. We have new(er) people come in every week and they look for that friendly face who will point out the quirks of the copier, or the 10 "time sheets" we have to fill out for the state, and the feds and K, my supervisor, can not deal with it/me. She sent me this nasty gram last Friday that I printed and brought home to show my wife that I wasn't imagining things.
since I have become clean, work has become somewhat of a refuge from this increasing depression. I go outside at lunchtime, whether to drive 10 mins each way (thank gosh I have a hybrid these days) to swim 20 laps and be flirted by the lifeguard....or just walk a couple laps around the block.
I'm a White man, and one source of joy for me is having so many Black female friends at work (and now, outside work.) I hope all who read this read joy and happiness in this part of my post. I am a rarity at work (a male, and a white one at that) and 95% of my co-workers are Black women. They mother me and laugh at my jokes and 2 weeks ago when my mental crap hit the fan, one of the ones I know the least came up to me and said, "Baby, your sistahs are worried about you. Here's the number for EAP. Call them RIGHT now and don't let that (expletive supervisor) tell you that you can't go to your first visit on the (name of employment)'s time."
I was raised to judge by the content of character - thank God I had the dad I did who was colorblind, literally and figuratively and I grew up with all kinds of people and learned to give people a chance to be trusted cause really...you only get 1 chance to lose someone's trust and vice versa.
Just in the last week, my moods have really increased...at work that is...because I'm diong something I actually like, which is that factory mentality paper pushing. I deal with psycho boss but have a good mentor - she's one of those lifers who smoke that I get along with (I don't smoke but I always hung out with them in the Navy because you get the best dirt that way and usually 99% true, haha.)
This past weekend was rough, perhaps because I am putting on an act at work. Not that I'm being fake per se, but rather I have to hold it together for 8.5 hours. At home, I don't have to and it's much easier to just let it all out. My wife and I rarely fight because our communication lines are so good -I learned a lot the first time I was married but yesterday I was a flipping basket case. I came out (as in addiction) to my 2 sisters over the weekend. 1 listened and the other said, "let me be blunt. I agree with wife in that you need some steady professional care because this has been going on long enough."
It stung a little because my 6 siblings and I are like the little Kennedys (we call our family that - the Poor Kennedys -- none of the money, all the kids, half the drama.) and we're all in each other's corner. Even with our (always trying to ) recover oldest brother the alcoholic. So I think my sister is trying to tell me get some help now and not waste 25 years of my life like my brother has.
Jr --- your tragic circumstances ---- when I read what you've been through I thought how my current EAP therapist keeps coming back to how I felt when my mother died when I was 4. Lots of people post here how we become addicted to hide from other things. My uneducated advice to you is...tell your husband that you feel safe with him physically and each day can be better for both of you regarding your horrible attack, but it will take time.
My wife is who you've all read. She is amazing. I think yesterday I went from O-50 thinking of having to buy my ex-wife (who is also a good person) a new roof. I can never get out from under the money woes which I used to think was why I popped pills, to numb the constant money worries. Maybe it's part but I'm thinking there's more going on and I'm committed to finding out.
Gosh it's late but man I want to finish watching the 2nd ryan's hope since Roger is scheming with Seneca for status on Jill!
I hope all reading this particular post:
a. forgive the ramblingly length of it
b. read up on PAWS as i will today, too
c. tell those who have stuck by us THANKS.
Droopy the Vanilla Ice of His Job!