Re: Clean but Depressed PLEASE ADVISE
just a quick post because I have charge of the rug rats today, which includes Mr Mom taking them to a (rolled eyes) skating party for 3 hours this afternoon.
This week was awful. I didn't get to see my therapist or go to a meeting. I feel like the Wellbuterin and the Ativan aren't helping. I get to work and burst into tears. And then try to hide my sinking moods for the rest of the day.
I'm in the "mentoring" phase of my job where I have a seasoned agent sitting with me half-days. She's kind of the rough-edged straight talker. She and a co-worker know what is going on re being off the opiates.
My supervisor is an emotional roller-coaster. It seems like she and I switch weeks, who is going to be the more teeter-totter. Yesterday I started losing it over her picking on my TO DO list. I actually said quietly,"You won't have to worry too much more about my To Do Lists," and it slipped out of my mouth. She asked what I meant and I just said that I would someday do everything just right and it just takes time.
Between you and me, I took it about 3 different ways.
She took me into her office and in that delightfully tactless way, basically told me the stress was only going to get worse and she was concerned about my handling things emotionally. I can't tell her what's going on, because admitting a drug addiction yields the same result as popping positive on a drug test. Buh-Bye. She knows I'm using EAP and seeing someone.
I can't deal with these highs and lows (mostly lows). I am exercising and trying to stay busy. But I can not stop the tears.
I know someone said this and I'll agree with them, knowing you more clean/sobers will chime in: I felt better on the Norco.
I came home and told the wife and I said, "I'd rather go back to my old business (I had a housecleaning business which ruined my back) and give my 2 week's notice." Wife said, Send postcards out to your former clients and tell them you're looking to see if there's any business back out there...while you look for something else," and if there's enough to sustain...give your 2 week's notice.
The thing is....I like helping the people (public) that I do. I'm just so sick of fighting with the bureacracy and "No, don't say it like THAT"....I gotta get out of there but I've never been a quitter.
I just love being a crying 44 year old who tries to put on a good front for the kids and wife.