giving it another try
Hello, I am new to this board and thought it might help to post. I am 25 years old and have been using opiates for 5 years now. It started with an operation and the prescription of oxycodone or percocet. I had never experimented with opiates before and let me tell you it was love at first sight. It was a slow forming addiction, after teh first surgery I then had 4 more and a couple of new prescriptions each time. Looking back on it, it is amazing to me that no doctor ever warned me about the dangers of addiction. For each surgery I would be prescribed at least 3 refills. Well needless to say my love for opiates eventually led me to expiriment with oxycontin. And if oxycodone was love at first sight then I dont know how to describe oxycontin. As a paralell I would say that oxycodone was li ke a first girlfriend and oxycontin was like a wife. Even to the start of my oxycontin use I dont think i realized that an addiction was forming, I looked at it as simply something that made everything better, oblivious to the fact that is exactly how addiction starts. After about a year and a half or two years of oxycontin use I finally realized it was becoming a problem in my life and I needed to stop. I would stop for 3 weeks or so without a problem or much a craving, then at the 3 week mark the cravings would start and the thought would not leave my mind. I usually would be able to fight it off for another week until it was all consuming and I would use again. This cycle would repeat itself about 4 or 5 times over the next year, each time deflating my confidence a little more and eliminating any will power I may have possesed. After another failed attempt I finally reached out for a dr. and began a suboxone program. I bought in right away and the results were amazing. For 4 months I was back to living a normal life. Excersise, class, and studying would occupy my time and I managed to graduate from college. Oxycontin was rarely on my mind and I thought that I had won this battle. I actually think that all of the positive results in my life inflated my ego a l ittle too much and I believed that I no longer had the addiction so i stopped with the suboxone. Well let me tell you I was wrong. Of course I made it to 3 weeks without a problem and then like clockwork the cravings returned. Again believing I was strong enough, I did not go back on suboxone. I was able to fight it off another week but returned to using. Since that time I have had another 2 go arounds with suboxone. Once again each time failed. Well 5 days ago I went back on suboxone and I hope this time will be the last time. I have a really good feeling about it and I am determined to never go back. It amazes me that I go back because I recall so fondly the times that I was not using. I have been able to keep my life relatively normal which is actually quite amazing. I do not believe that anyone in my life suspects anything, meanwhile inside I am falling apart. I truly believe that If anyone in my life found out they would really be shocked. Anyways to wrap up my long rant I have found this website while on the internet and I think it could really help. I see the support and encouragment that all of you give eachother and I think this has been what was lacking in my previous attempts. I have always been very worried about my secret being revealed and this fear has prevented me from going to meetings. Thank you and I hope to hear from some of you.