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Old 06-13-2008, 10:16 PM   #14
Donnetta Donnetta is offline
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(female)
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 12
Donnetta HB User
Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

Hi Jason,

Thank you so much for sharing your painful story. I can't imagine how awful it must have been for your little girl. I'm an "adult" and I find the images in my head still make me want to scream. I can see where your children would give you a reason, a meaning and a purpose to go forward. How could you not with 2 young lives in your hands, so to speak. I am also happy that you seem to have found your way and come out on the other side stronger and better for having done so. I was raised Baptist, my first husband was Pentecostal and we married in that church. My husband who just died was Catholic. He was just baptized in the Catholic church one year ago on Easter. I have always felt like I've known God and I know he moves in mysterious ways and we don't always know why, actually we usually never know why I suppose. But I've got to "confess", I am so angry with God right now, maybe I have been for a long, long time and this has just about pushed me over the edge. My mom died in 2004 from Alzheimer's after being in hospice in her home for 18 months. It was the most demoralizing, inhumane kind of death for anyone, much less a woman as wonderful as my mom was. By the time she finally passed away, she did not know anyone, not even her 7children, didn't know that she was in her home that she had lived in for 50+ years, she couldn't feed herself, just kind of "disappeared" a little bit each day until there was nothing left and we were praying for God to just take her. Why did he do that? I don't know, I still don't have the answer for that either. Then my sister had a heart attack at the age of 47. She suffered for 4 years, in and out of hospitals with every complication you could even imagine, even on a ventilator for 3 weeks with the doctors telling us she was going to die any day, but she lived another 6 months in a nursing home and passed away 3 weeks after my husband died. Why? I just don't know. To bring me to my knees? That happened a long, long time ago. I feel like I've been on my knees more often than not over the last 4 or 5 years. I don't know why. I don't know much of anything anymore. And like you once were, I am so tired, I am so very tired. I still pray every morning, noon and night and whenever I feel the need, but I just don't know if my faith is as strong as it once was. But I thank you anyway for your prayers and your thoughts. From the bottom of my heart I thank you and I pray for you and your daughters also.