Re: my rant for today!!!!
I am sorry to hear about sister but BIL must step up to the plate. He took the vows "in sickness and in health" and while you have to deal with Mom, you can't be the end all of everything.
When I had the guilt over the Mono hit many years ago, husband did what he could and kids did what their age allowed but I had to stop the guilt by saying 'they'd have to do it if I wasn't here at all".
That what you have to remember. If you were not there, a phone call away, BIL would have to deal with wife on his own with no emotional support. Just make sure he doesn't pack Sis up and drop her off on your doorstep to live with you and Mom and he'll visit every so often, I mean you're already home so why not???
Do not do it. Make sure everything about what you can do is clear. You can provide support verbally over the phone. You can not drop things everytime he needs you to physically hands on. He needs to find out what resources will be available to him, now so he realizes he won't be overwhelmed with doing it during the crisis that will arise.
I didn't catch if they have children? If so, where are they in this mix. They need to make sure he takes care of their Mom. If the shoe was on the other foot, I'm sure his wife would take wonderful care of him. Most of the people don't because they feel they're not able. OR they are no longer in love with the person due to history and caring for them would be difficult.
Just tell BIL that you are proud of him. Compliments go a long way. he may feel he can't because he doesn't have good self esteem. Build it up. Also, please feel free to share with him how scared you were when it was your Mom. Emphasize how scared you were even though you did. Let him know that the feeling of over-whelming does not mean he can't do it. He needs to know
NONE OF THIS IS EASY FOR ANYONE. GOD BLESS YOU AND OTHERS WHO STEP UP AND DO.