Stress / Depression
I am new to the boards, but reading some of the posts i am finding i can really relate.
I am struggling with stress/depression. I think it all stems from my work. About 9 months ago now i had a major panic attack at work, i just felt like i could not do the work and i could not cope. I started to hyperventilate. Anyway i was signed off work for 2 weeks with stress and put on Citalpram. It has not been the same since this first breakdown. I have had 2 more breakdown since the first, the second of which my legs gave way and i fell to the floor.
I am back at work now but still really not coping. I have been back and forth to the doctors and tried telephone councilling, but nothing helps. I went back to the doc 2 days ago and he has increased my AD's to 45mg of Mirtazapine, so i hope this helps.
I feel that since my first breakdown, it is so easy to give in, not cope and panic than prior to my breakdown. This stress has caused terrible depression. I took three days holiday last week just because i could not bear to go to work. I did nothing but stare at the wall at home. I used to have such motivation to do jobs around the house and spend time with my children, it is now a struggle for me to get out of bed. I have started drinking everyday, i was always liked my alcohol but nowadays i need it as a form of relief.
I loath going to work each day, i am depressed at home in the evening because of the thought of work the next day. When i actually get to work each day i feel physically sick. My bosses for the most have been good, and usually give me no pressure jobs, but i am finding i put pressure on myself. I feel like i can't cope with any job and that i am not good enough to do the work anymore, which is a little strange since i have been doing the same work for 11 years now. It is terrible it's ruining my life, i feel so guilty because i know my wife is being so supportive and i realise i am not doing enough around the house or with my children but i just can't get my mind from thinking negative thought. My problem is i think to much, i really wish i could stop my mind from wandering each day and just concentrate on my work. My working day seems so long because i focus on the negative all the time. This stress/depression is effects my entire life and i know i should concentrate on the now, but i keep thinking how will i cope with another 30 years of working life.
Anyway, sorry for rambling on. It just feels good to vent my feelings and share with other similar minded people.