| | My uncontrollable Anger Life... (long)
Ive known for years that I have an anger issue. Ive always said "Ill get help", but never did.
I look back when I was a kid, like the pictures and videos. I was for the most part happy, smiling and always goofing around and making people laugh. The only thing I can remember that used to make me angry or upset was my Dad never being there for me. It was a touchy subject for me.
I had a girlfriend in 7th grade, Ive had others but this one came on stronger and it felt different. I actually liked her.Long story short here...We dated for a year, got pregnant...had the kid...got married which was somewhat forced by her mother...Dropped out of high school...got a job...
Now heres where I can remember my anger really coming into play. While our son was about 1 y/o I heard a rumor that my wife had been driving one of our old freinds to work and back with her. It was a guy that had a rep. for getting the girls. Him and his 3 brothers got the girls. I know that she had been a little depressed and maybe I wasnt the best at everything at 17. I confronted her with it and it was lies...lies. I remember driving by his house and seeing our car there and them all hanging out. I remember going off on her and punching holes in walls. That was the end of that. We made up over time. It always bugged me, thinking in the back of my head that she had slept with him. She always denied it. I think that right there stirred up the little snowball inside of me that grew and grew over the years.
Just to let you know, I put up with alot more than MOST would ever put up with in a relationship.
Over the next 7 years there were breakups and makeups. She had boyfriends or F*ck buddies.There were 3 damn abortions that I might have been the father of one of them.The other two maybe three were from different guys. One of them was done behind my back and I figured it out somehow right after it happend somehow.We did have another son, thank god he looks just like me. That was a fear of mine.
She was an Alcoholic and smoked alot of weed. So most of these guys she screwed with were when she was drunk and out of it. Over the years Ive busted my *** and always managed to keep are head above water when she would screw up and lose her jobs. We owned a house, and lost it, weve had 3-4 rent houses and lost them.Weve sold everything we had a few times and had to start over.
Finally, about two years ago I said I had enough. We just lost our rent house. I, alone moved everything out of a 3 Bedroom house in a SUV in the middle of the night in the pouring rain. We were staying with my brother in law and I found out she was not at work that she was screwing some guy. I left. I just packed my **** and left. She fell apart and I didnt care for once. I had a rebound chick that I moved in with which was a big mistake. She quit drinking and started going to A.A.
Two years had past and we were both single, so we gave it another shot. We had both matured and she had quit drinking. I on the other hand had started drinking alot. We were happier than ever. We lived together for 7 months. I found a journal that had to do with her 12 step from A.A.. She told me not to read it. That made me want to read it more. I read it and it had a list of every guy she had ever done anything with. I was crushed once again. I talked to GOD to help me get through this. The drinking started getting heavier.
Right after this I lose my job. the drinking got heavier. Then of all things my brother in law came over one day and we got drunk. Things got out of hand and I asked him to leave and he charged at me and I ended up beating him over the head with a bat. I get kicked out of my wifes apartment.
So here I am. I have no job, I have a pending Felony and my wife left again. Oh and shes seeing someone else. Imagine that.
I know this long, and maybe in the wrong section. Right now Im dealing with so much anger. Im already in trouble with the law and dont want anymore trouble. Its hard to not drink, and when I do and I talk to her I blow up. Im tired of blowing up. I started taking citalopram 20mg. Its only been days, but it seems to calm me a bit more.