Thread: beside myself
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Old 10-07-2009, 01:45 AM   #1
snickirlou snickirlou is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Erie, PA., U.S.A.
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snickirlou HB User
Unhappy beside myself

It's been 6mos. since my husband of 16yrs. passed.I know in my heart that my pain of missing him will never go away.We did everything together, we worked together so it's even hard to be there because I still expect to see him walking down the hallways toward me to take our breaks together. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my entire life. We always wanted to die in each others arms of old age, it wasn't supposed to be this way. He died of a heart attack at 46yrs old. We were together 24/7. It feels like I'm dead inside, I don't enjoy anything any more. I go to a grief support group 1x a month but it doesn't help much. I force myself to do things but I'd rather be with him(but I don't believe in suicide), so I have to pray that it won't be long till I'm with him again.Been through Fathers day, our anniversary, my birthday, his birthday, and still have to go through the holidays. I can't take much more of this.I know his spirit is still with me, but I wish I could hear his voice, see his beautiful face, hug him, instead I hug his pillow and kiss his picture.I truely hate life now, it can't be over fast enough for me. I see my therapist 1x weekly, she's very understanding and she even knew us before Ron passed and liked him alot, it just hurts so much going home knowing he won't be there. I go to the cemetery because it's peaceful, I know it's just his body there and not his soul or spirit but I can at least talk to him without people thinking I'm crazy. I believe that only your body dies, but your soul still lives, you never really die you cross over to the other side. I have felt Ron with me and he's given me many signs that he's still with me and watches over our family. But like I said , I wish I could hold him and talk to him and hear his voice, at least that would make life a little easier to live till we're together again. Does anyone else feel this way? I know alot of people don't believe in the after life and that's okay for them, I don't mind as long as they don't judge me for my beliefs. I'm so sorry for anyone who has lost a loved one and has to be on this journey of an emotional rollercoaster. I hate this "new life," that's been thrust upon me. I can honestly say that I will live the rest of this life by myself because Ron was, is, and always will be the only one for me. The love we have for each other is enough for me to last until we're together again on the other side. I'd like to hear from others who are going through this, maybe we can help each other, it's sad we have to be here but it's comforting to know we're not alone, that there are others going through the same things we are going through. Take care and peace to all. Linda