Re: When and how to tell MIL we will be placing her
Don't tell her until everything is all lined up and the moving date has been set. Then, don't ask her, tell her, "tomorrow (better yet, today!) you are going to your beautiful new apartment/room ... a great place with ..... whatever will sound good to her (a view, good food, lots of games and fun and activites and nice people, etc.) If she protests you could try saying the doctor wants to see you there. There is usually a medical exam shortly after or at admission. Just say, "we are going to see your new doctor and get an exam," and once there, "this is the nice place where the doctor wants you to stay for a little while." Probably she has been in hospitals before, and will be able to understand staying somewhere for a while ... until 'you get better." If she says 'there is nothing wrong with me" you can say "they only want to do some testing." Never say this is forever. It isn't. One day she will go 'home' in the sense we all go back to God some day. I always said "you will go home soon." By the end Mom imagined her childhood home with her mother as "home" and there was no way we could replicate that.
If I sound to you like a terrible liar I am .. I was so bad at it that I goofed big time over and over again, making my mother more upset than it had to be. (like reminding her that her brothers had died whenever she asked about them, until I finally understood that she mourned anew every time she heard it.)Gradually I learned how to make things happen without major conflict.
Another piece of advice is: once she is admitted, stay away for a while. Some places recommend 3 weeks. She will then make new connections to personnel and other residents, and not hang onto you and demand to go home.
It may sound cruel but in the long run it is a good thing to move an Alzheimer victim to a home with professional, around the clock care. My Mom turned out to be very happy in her NH and lived there 2.5 years until passing away at age 99.
Hope it all works out for you.
Last edited by Martha H; 01-03-2010 at 04:41 PM.