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Old 01-18-2010, 05:29 PM   #1
Desire2Bwell Desire2Bwell is offline
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I think I'm Borderline -Sad and confused

Hi all!!!

Newbie here. I've been reading about BPD and bought a 300 pg book and I'm REALLY relating to the behavior, yet suprised that I just now figured this out at age 40. If I indeed do have it. I hate to self diagnose. This is what happened...

I've been single for 15+ years since I divorced and was in a very dysfunctional relationship. I used to go bulistic on my ex and be very mean and verbally abusive, we were young and I was insecure and jealous.. As he was too. As years have gone by, I have stayed out of "real" relationships. I've had many sexual partners though, and If I call them they come - I'm in control. I thought many of my issues were healed with time and life, although I would like to have someone special, no one "good enough" came along.

I recently started a relationship with my boss, and although it started out as fun, it turned extremely toxic fast. I was extremely uncomfortable at work, would go into jealous rages, and then verbally assault him for hours then want him to have sex with me. He was very loving and paitent with me, but I could not open up to him or get close. I would tell him I am leaving him and then the next day want him back. He pointed out many times how I see everything in black and white - no gray. He also said things like he is always walking on eggshells, and he cannot make me happy at work or home (except in bed) so he ended it. He was very caring and thoughtful and he told me that he felt like truely I am the one who ended it because all I did was push him away.

Before this relationship, I felt okay. I had a lot of stress at work due to immense responsibility, projects, pay cuts, etc. I also would get depressed and feeling lonely and empty intermittently. I have long standing relationships with about 4 close girlfriends, and have held jobs and worked my way up the ladder. I do have dysfunctional stormy and distant relationships with my mom, sister, and son, and I think my mom and my son who is 20 may also have BPD. I have been addicted to pain pills, and will abuse alchohol when I am depressed or just partying. When I get mad at someone I love, I tell them to F*off and sometimes dont speak to them for months. Others, I have problems saying "no." I always noticed I could see issues from both sides, but now I feel like a walking contradiction.

Something I have noticed as well is that after work, I space out a lot. I can sit in front of TV for hours, but never see anything that happened, I'm inside my head. I also get stuck on the same thought process and can't let it go.

I just figured this all out in the last say month. I did start counseling (original referral was to help with work stress) and I just started Zoloft 4 days ago because I am really sad and depressed that my BF/boss broke it off and that I have all of these issues and that I really care for him but pushed him away. He's a great guy, very caring and romantic, has his stuff together in so many ways.

I hope someone has some advise for me. I really really want to fix myself. I'm trying so hard not to go back to my old ways and call a booty call over here to make the pain go away.

Thanks for listening Sorry about the length... "D"