fighting the tears writing this, i live my life in the same continuous circle
i`m a 35 year old male, almost 36..... and yes i`m still at home here in the UK! financially cant afford my own place at the moment, but working on it
i have ended a relationship back in August of last year with the most beautiful person ever, she is an amazing person, smart, caring, very loving, affection that blew my mind, she loves me and has only ever shown me love, but im unable to feel the same way when i dont know why i cant..
the easiest option was to end it like a coward
when i`m with her, i feel like im living a lie, like im faking it, i get anxious, very very upset and emotional, hot sweats, shear and utter fear etc....
i tell her i love her, but my mind keeps telling me i dont, i have acted like this all my life with ALL my partners...
even started drinking before i see my partner to make me less anxious because of my Guilt
its like i cant wait for them to leave so i can be on my own again, i have done this with all the women in my life and as of now, i have to stop this, in August last year she walked out of my back door and we were both crying our eyes out when i looked at her little face walking away from me, i had to tell her i dont love her, she said she dont believe me after all i have said and all we have done together, im so messed up and confused, i really wanted her to be "the one" as she has supported me through all my depression, my intrusive thoughts, etc etc
she is also the only person to have made me laugh, feel relaxed enough to even talk to her about all my problems, yet still on the odd occasion, i get all this BAD STUFF going on in my mind that im actually exhausted and worn out with my feelings
the usual scenario is normally me feeling lonely, emotional and wanting to have a cuddle and have someone to talk to, basically so i`m not on my own, i dont have many friends, sad arent i?
my job is the opposite to this, im a professional musician and do huge shows in front of thousands of people, so this is all bizarre in my personal life
i meet someone really special, though never met anyone like my EX in all these years, it feels amazing at the start, then as we get closer and closer, i feel trapped and then the thoughts come rolling in, the hot sweats, the anixety, panic attacks, my mind telling me SHE is not actually the one, so much so that i cant believe how it makes me feel, it really makes me a bag of nerves, its like a demon eating away at me
if anyone has these feelings, you will know how upset it makes you feel...
i believe im just not capable of loving anyone, infact i never have.... all my relationships have ended because i end them, one of the main reasons is because i cannot live with the sheer and utter guilt and terror of the feelings im having and whether they are true or false, or what!
i really cant take anymore of living like this, i want to be happy, i want to feel excited that im gonna see someone, be happy when im with them, go on holiday, laugh and cry with them, tell them i love them and feel that closeness, i felt some of these things some of the time with my partner i finished with today, but the guilt and anxiety won, i had to end it, cant go on living and feeling this way...
everyone around me keeps telling me "i am getting all these feelings as she obviously isnt the one for me"
i have been to to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression, have tried all forms of medication, nothing helps, i either sweat buckets or i feel worse normally, currently on 5htp and st johns wort, but do you know what? i dont want to HAVE to take tablets to live a normal life, i sometimes look back and think WHY ME?
been told that i must have commitment issues, yet i dont have one night stands, mainly because i just cant, need to know someone first, has to feel right or no point
all i know is that i want to feel better and not have these life ruining thoughts as above
when Tracey left in August, she said i want you to be happy, im sorry i made you so miserable, what do i say to that? i didnt answer, i just broke down as she walked off, what a complete *** i am, i have destroyed her, yet im broken hearted and relived at the same time....
i finished with her twice now!! thats not fair on her
i am going to see a relationship counsellor first week of February, i will pay anything if i can get help, my life can`t go on like this
so much so, i even thought about ending it all, whats the point anymore?
do i be miserable the rest of my life? fearful of meeting anyone
do any of you suffer with these feelings? and please dont tell me there is always someone for someone, my own family try and understand, but they all loved Tracey too bits and think she is made for me, i dont know whether im evil, dont know how to even love, or maybe i should realise that life is meant to be lonely and single for some people
after writing all this, i found out 3 days ago that she has become friends with my singer in my band!
for the last 3 days i cannot stop crying, i want her back but my minds telling me NO you dont, i just wanna hold her and kiss her and make it all better, dont want to let her down again which is adding more pressure on me
the thought of them 2 together is making me not sleep and having hot sweats, she has moved on now i think, ROCD has destroyed my only chance of a girl that should have been the one for me...
i have to get her back and prove we can fight this together, but the thought of feeling as above again is terrifying me, i dont want these thoughts, or is it because she is not for me! im so confused!!!
we are still talking but im so emotional i cant even speak....
instead of bottling up all these ROCD thoughts, if i would have told her when i was having them, we could have worked on our relationship, now i feel EMPTY and have already contemplated suicide because im too late and she may fall in love with this new guy...