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Old 01-28-2010, 07:35 AM   #6
blokecalledkev blokecalledkev is offline
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Re: I need some advice , please help....

Hi wantbhappy3,

Thank you for your kind words and if I have in anyway helped you to overcome your fears and anxieties, I am happy for you, but ultimately it is you that as made the decision and it you that as found the courage to resolve this matter, so well done.

Why do I do this ? Gosh, that is a long story and not a very pretty one I may add so I will offer you the condensed version. I am a married man with three children but my work takes me for long periods overseas. During one trip, some five years ago I ended up one morning in bed with a prostitute, I had never done this before or since. I had been very drunk the night before and to be honest don't recall too much. I was in West Africa at the time. Along with the immediate guilt I felt it slowly dawned on me that through my act of stupidity I may also have exposed myself to HIV. I was really not certain what had taken place but once this realization had set in I could not shake it. I did go for a test three weeks later but never went back for the confirmation test.

Trying to live with this, the uncertainly, the fear and the guilt simply went from bad to worst as time went on. I would spend countless hours on the net, looking at HIV symptoms, examining myself , looking for the smallest sign that would confirm what I had convinced myself was true. I had quite literally convinced myself I was HIV positive. Finally I could take it no longer, I had actually contemplated suicide, I had to know. I had to face it one way or the other and went for a retest. I actually remember saying to the nurse “ I simply want my life back”. I got it back, I tested negative.

I felt as through a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and posted my story on this forum ( and others) simply as a way of closure I guess. In doing so I started to read other peoples stories and I could really relate to what was being said and I could sympathize with the feelings that many people went through and are still going through. So I decided to educate myself about HIV, really look into it and help if I could.

That's really it, I'm just a guy, not a doctor, not really an expert, just a guy who went through a very traumatic experience, a life changing experience. An experience whereby I nearly lost everything, my marriage, my children and it felt like my sanity. So decided I could try to help others who are going through the same. During my journey I have learnt a lot about this, I am not an expert by any means but I have seen the myths and misconceptions that are spread around the net. The fear and the anxiety that goes with such misconceptions. HIV really is not the death sentence that I originally believed it was, people who have HIV have my utmost respect for they way deal with it and they way they help others. The wall of fear that surrounds HIV as no place in today's society and if by my limited experiences I can help others over that wall, then I am happy. Upon reflection it was my own misconceptions, my own lack of understanding, my own prejudices that had actually propagated the fear and torment I went through. Help was there, I just never asked for it, so when somebody asks for help, if possible I will offer words of comfort, words that I myself should have asked for.

Sorry for rambling on, anyway back to you. I really do hope this all works out for you and please let us know how you get on and please if you feel uncertain, put it aside and go for the retest. As you can probably see from my woeful story we all make mistakes, we all make a mess of things and later regret it. But because we make mistakes it does not mean that there has to be dire consequences, it just makes us human. Please rest assured the “what if “ will go away when it is replaced with certainty.

Regards Kevin

Last edited by blokecalledkev; 01-28-2010 at 09:14 AM. Reason: typo and added