Thanks for posting your story once again on this forum. So much of what you say you went through is exactly how I am feeling now, just the guilt of perhaps giving it to someone else, and also the anxiety of not knowing, and ironically of knowing at the same time too. I made an appointment last week and wont beleive this but had a major panic attack where I ended up going home and not taking the restest at all
I am so dissapointed and hurt about not taking the restes, for many reasons. I had built up the confidence to go again to get retested (mind you after my 12 week test..my last unprotected sexual encounter was beg. Nov. 2008 and I had my test done in Feb. 2009. ) . After all the courage I had mustered up once I got there, I had drove myself into the biggest panic and went right back to square one. I think I would be have done it with and went thru with it but then there was this video they were showing in the waiting room with ppl that are HIV positve and all thier symptoms and ofcourse I have lots of them...and that sent me in high panic mode.
I am usually the person that is rational and level headed, but boy this whole ordeal has made me far from that and is making me into someone I am not. Like you said you just want your life back, and Kevin right now I am crying out to God that i will have just that.
Sorry for the over emotional display of words here on this forum, I just havent told anyone because I am afraid they will judge me or worse tell someone else what I am going through and I think that would just add to my anxiety.
In any event, I have a had few normal days that I try not to think about what I am going through and then I will see a commercial, or advertising, or even the other day a text about someone with HIV. lol Its just ludicrous when your thinking of something how much it comes up. Then today I hit rock bottom when my boyfreind said he had stomach pains exactly where I have them too for the last few months (below my rib cage) and that is a rare place for someone to have pain thier stomach and that just made me so depressed.
I am not a drinker, complainer or even someone who seeks people to comfort or get advice from but for the first time in my life I ma so humbled and absolutely need some ones elses comfort and second opinion.
Kevin, thanks again for helping us all. You are very much appreciated here. I know you will say Darn it just take the test already...I just need the courage again to get my behind back there again...lol.
God bless and hope your all very blessed with your health,