Originally Posted by debbie g
it will be a year in june since my mom passed from dementia. she was in hospice for almost a week without food-just pain meds. it was the hardest decision we ever had to make, but i did not want to see her as a vegetable. its so hard to let go. my prayers and thoughts are with you.
I am listening to all your loses and its a picture I am drawing of me in the future. I also see that some are not over it, that there is still the pain. You have moved on but does the pain ever leave? This is a terrible memory maybe I am running from it. I have never had such memories and God knows I never thought of dad dying. I guess I felt so comfortable it never came to surface that dads gonna die soon. He was always so strong and a fighter. Today I took him outside again we sat and I shaved him. He slept mostly through it all. I also try to get him bird feed to feed the birds with me but he just hold the seeds in his hands.
He isnt in any pain though. I remember a passage from bible that God will put you through no more than you can bare. So with that I decided that Dads life is not the quality he once had but he isn't suffering beyond anything he can't bare. When that time comes and I see pain. I will also see when he can't hold on to me or pull himself up out of bed. I put him to bed tonight and he raised his legs to try and swing his legs into bed. I just assisted him on into bed.
I think once dad is so weak he can't do any of this anymore, I will take hospice on but for now I just want this time with him alone. I feed him smaller quantities hoping that this postpones the aspiration pnemonia. I give him thickened water through syringe and ice cubes to try and help keep him hydrated. I just want him to see another sunny day. And as long as I don't see pain or hear that rattle I feel we are ok. He has lost weight it's showing in his face, so I go by ensure and thicken it fed him small portions through syringe. He swallows well and eats well. The problem is when he swallows. He is also a silent aspirator which is scary because I can't be sure how much is getting in the right place. I just can't put him to sleep through hospice right now, he looks at me for another day. At least thats how I feel. I see he loves life and don't think he is ready to go. I think we all are afraid of death to a point. Even I am at this very moment wondering how I would feel if someone told me I only have weeks to live.
Anyway am just taking it one day at a time, truthfully I dont think dad has long. But, I am leaving it in Gods hands to heal or take him quietly. Not to go through that long delayed trauma of putting him to sleep with morphine and drugs. I just can't do it.
I talked to my sister today and I tell her you remember back when granny was alive we didn't have hospice people died on their own. Some went peacefully some not so peacefully. I would rather dad goes on his own peacefully. So I don't have to go through this hospice trauma. I don't wanna see his body torn aparet by sores and his bones stuck to his skin. God that would kill me forever. Not a memory I want. Just don't think hospice is for me not now anyway. If I had done it their way dad probably would be in coma right now instead he is in his room sleeping quietly. I will go give him breathing treatment than off to sleep myself tonight. This is day 4 and he is suppose to be morphined up by now. I am doing it God's way until I feel dad is in distress. Hopefully with prayers he doesn't need that stuff. Thanks to all I will keep you updated if I decide to go hospice or when.