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Old 04-29-2010, 06:14 PM   #5
Toonces1 Toonces1 is offline
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Re: help with dating someone with borderline

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but if you think you can change her by trying to "ward off" some of her extremes, you are going to be in for a long, exhausting, painful ride. All of the things you are describing are very typical for someone with BPD. One of the big issues for people with BPD is fear of rejection and abandonment. She is going to feel this way regardless of what you do. Even if you start spending every day with her, she is going to start reading into the littlest things you do and interpreting them to mean that you don't love her, or don't care about her, or are going to leave her. and she is going to become increasingly dependent on you to relieve this fear. She will start doing irrational things to alleviate this fear.

I can tell that you really want to give this girl a chance and you are very interested in her. I think you should carefully consider what you are getting yourself into. It is extremely difficult, if not totally impossible, to have a "normal" romantic relationship with someone with BPD. The very nature of this disorder is that BPD sufferers have a innately disordered way of viewing the world and interacting with people. Their interpersonal relationships are not stable and they manipulate people into meeting their needs to preserve their sense of self.

I don't want to offend anyone with BPD with this response, but I want the OP to understand that this isn't some minor phase this girl is going through. She will have BPD for the rest of her life and it will likely be a tumultuous life. I think most people with BPD would say that they wouldn't wish it on their worst enemy. I don't have it, but I have a friend who has borderline tendencies and her life is filled with huge ups and downs, and there are a LOT more downs than there are ups. She is constantly in terrible emotional pain and repeats the same cycles of misinterpreting people's behavior toward her over and over and over. I spend hours on the phone with her trying to reassure her about various aspects of life on a regular basis. I have been doing this for years and nothing has changed - it's the same thing over and over and I often tell her that I am struck by how hard it must be to be her. I don't think she will ever lead a happy life. Please, please, proceed with caution.