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Old 05-08-2010, 05:05 AM   #1
graces23 graces23 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Australia
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Crush on Work Friend (pls read if you're bored. It's long. lol)

Well, this isn't a serious issue or even an issue at all, but I'm just interested in your thoughts...beware. I am a blabbermouth, so it's long. lol

I have a crush on a friend at work (we're both women, I'm a lesbian, she's not, and that's no issue whatsoever. She doesn't know I'm gay by the way, either).

We've worked together for over 3 years and have always been friendly but never said much to each other, until about 6 months ago when we started chatting more, and then 3 months ago she was made redundant and left...I was SO sad when she left...we hugged goodbye, exchanged email addresses and the next day she sent me an email. It was quite long (which I love), and I replied immediately, also with a long email.

We emailed 1-2 times a day, each containing quite deep and intimate thoughts, sharing opinions on things we never realised we had in common, and such other enjoyable things.

We saw each other a week later when the office held farewell drinks for her and another colleague. We had agreed not to tell anyone at work about our friendship, as there are some very bitchy people there who would find it interesting, and although she was out of that enviromnent, I wasn't.

At this farewell lunch, I felt this secret shared energy between us...

Anyway, a week or so after that, we had planned to go out after work, just us 2, but that fell through as work became insanely busy and she was actually called in to work as a casual for a few weeks. So we saw each other everyday at work again, but didn't talk really...we can't talk there. Too many ears listening, if you know what I mean. So it felt kinda weird to have this deep email interaction going on, telling each other really private things, and then at work being the way we always were before when we didn't know each other very well.

Anyway...so we did end up going out after work, which was good...and a few weeks after that we and another ex-work friend went out for the day, which was also good. I always kinda feel slightly insecure and awkward around her though, but only in person. In emails I feel myself. Normal. Comfortable. In person I feel like she may not really like me that much, despite what how she acts (in person) and what she says (in email form).

So. My question is...I have become silly about our emails. I feel I am on a rollercoaster ride of emotions about them, and her in general. I have this HUGE crush on her, bordering on obsessive, but at the same time, I am happily "married" to my "wife" who I've been with for 9 years (and my work crush has been with her boyfriend for 8 years and is straight, I say again). And I honestly don't actually want to be with her anyway. At all. I'm happy with my relationship. I just want to be the BEST friend she EVER had. The most intimate of relationships WITHOUT actually being IN a relationship, if that makes any sense.

We used to email once or twice a day, as I mentioned before, but then a few weeks ago she went away for 2 weeks so no emails. She sent me a text msg a few times, which was a nice surprise. The emails resumed once she was back, but then she went away again for a week to a place with no email or phone networks, so nothing. Then after she got back, no emails for 3 days and then she appeared at work. Big surprise to me! It so happened that she was back at work again, albeit on a temporary basis until the ultra busy time dries up. She needs the money, it's hard to find other work, etc, etc.

This is all good and I was happy to be seeing her daily again, even if it was at work, but...she hadn't told me. No emails...I felt rejected and resentful.

Then the emails began again, so I was happy, but they've never been as frequent as they were...now I'm lucky to get 3 good, long, indepth emails a week...and I feel as if I'm a nuisance to her, like my emails are a chore and she feels an obligation to reply. She is really busy in her life. She sometimes works 10 hour days, she's got 2 kids (although one is 24 and doesn't live at home anymore), and so it's understandable she doesn't have as much time as me (I work part time, have no kids)...

But I am just confused as I am too crush-y to be able to accurately judge her behaviour and what it actually MEANS in reality.

Last week I got annoyed at having received no email from her for 4 days, even though for 2 of those days she promised she'd reply...I didn't SHOW this annoyance because I know logically it's stupid and would seem weird. But I couldn't hide the fact I was upset, and at work one day she seemed really concerned and kept asking quietly what was wrong. I said it wasn't work-related but was "personal stuff" so...yeah. I never told her it was her lack of emails. I made something else up. I did get an email though, that night, which felt good.

Again, it's this rollercoaster feeling...when I get her email, I am so happy and exhilarated. When I check my email and there's nothing from her, I'm disappointed, deflated and annoyed.

Right now I'm in the middle of another "email drought" from her...no email for 4 days...I know she's busy, and she's also sick with a cold/flu thing right now, and actually today, surprisingly, she DID send me an email, saying it was just a quickie email to say hi (it wasn't that short, it was probably normal for most non-blabbermouth people like we are) and she still hadn't read my other email (the one awaiting a response) as she wasn't inspired to write much indepth stuff when she feels sick.

Again, totally understandable, and I THINK logically, this is good. She wanted to let me know she was thinking of me, wanted to say hi in the short time she had, and she also wants to reply to my other long email properly when she has time and feels better. Doesn't want to do it when she feels bad and isn't in the mood.

But then the crush-part of my brain that sends annoyed, paranoid thoughts, can't help but worry that she's fobbing me off...that she's "over" our emails, has no interest in me as a friend, and will probably in fact NEVER reply to that other email...

But I don't know, cause I'm too close to the situation!! Which sounds right to you people? Is anyone even still reading? lol

I also wonder if I'm being "obvious" in my feelings for her. A few weeks ago at work I knew she was having a bad day (she tries to hide her feelings from everyone else but I know how she feels and she also tells me privately as well, and we have little brief chat sessions about what's going on that annoys us, etc) so I went online, found a funny picture of a dog (she loves dogs), and put it on her desk for when she came back from somewhere...and she loved that. Then the other day she was sick (as I said, this cold / flu thing she has), and she'd gone to lunch so I went online again, found a pic of a dog wearing glasses saying get well soon, and stuck it on her PC monitor for when she returned. She seemed touched by it and amused cause it was a funny / cute picture. Is this too obvious? Or is it just NICE?

There's also this other woman at work...she's the office manager and about the same age as my work crush (45 years old. I'm 31), and they've been "office best friends" for about 2 years or so...they have lunch out once a month, sometimes have lunch together in the manager's office...and my crush seems to really, really like this woman. She goes TOTALLY out of her way to do things for her, to please her, to help her...(like working 10 hour days when she's already exhausted, and even though she's not even technically employed with us anymore, and is just a casual for who knows how much longer)...and when she first left, this woman didn't ever call her, text her, email her, or contact her at ALL. My crush found this hurtful and said she realised they were not in fact friends, and perhaps never even had been. Very hard for her to think that. The woman ONLY called her when she wanted her to come back and help out at work.

And YET...(and this makes me SO jealous)...nowadays at work, they're all chummy again. Having lunch together sometimes (I don't get a lunch break so I'm not actually jealous of that), chatting occasionally, joking and laughing...no deep feelings being exchanged, but...it's like this woman says jump and my crush says how high...*sigh* The other day something annoying happened to put my crush in a bad mood, she said she was going outside for a cigarette, I looked at her as if to say I wanted to join her, but hadn't said anything yet (usually a look is all we need though), and then this woman came in and said SHE'D join her, so my crush just immediately said ok and left through the door. I thought oh. Ok then. I've been swiftly forgotten.

It seems to me that as soon as this woman is around, I'm no longer needed. When my crush had first left the job and had no friends to see everyday anymore, she clung to me. Which I loved. If I didn't reply to her email in 24 hours, she'd sent me one asking if things were ok. And now she doesn't reply to mine in 4 days and I can't be annoyed by it?

She said to me this woman didn't care about her, wasn't her friend, just USED her...and yet NOW? They're apparently friends again? What's THAT about??

She's told me stuff in our emails she hasn't even told her actual best friend! What does THAT mean?

Can anyone tell me what it sounds like this crush of mine actually FEELS about me?? Does she like me or is she using me in some way? Is she really just busy or is she trying to avoid me?

Note - I do NOT show any of this obsessive over-thinking to her in person, or in our emails. I'm normal. lol

Thanks for listening!!!!