New to boards no where else to turn
I'm a 35 year old female, married for almost 12 years with 3 wonderful little girls. I am severely depressed. I married my husband right after college graduation, worked a few jobs until I got pregnant, then had severe post partum depression after my first baby. I went back to work when she was 5 months old and worked until my second daughter was born in 2002. That is when I decided to stay home and be a mom only for awhile. My husband lost his job 4 months after my 2nd daughter was born, and we had to file bankruptcy. He finally found a job 4 months later in March of 2003, and we moved about 5 hours from all the family and friends I had ever known. I cried myself to sleep for at least 3 months. Since then, we have moved 6 times.
My kids have been to 3 different schools and will start a 4th different school in the Fall. My husband was an abused child and is a recovering alcoholic (16 years sober as of 2010), so he has his own issues. He hates what he does, but because he has been in the same field for 20 years, he can't find anything else that would support all of us. I babysit fulltime to help, but can't work outside the home because I can't afford child care for 3 kids. I hate my life.
I started taking Paxil in 1999 after my first daughter was born and just weaned myself off over the past few months. I was numb to feeling, not to mention the sexual side effects, so I wanted off. Now I wish I knew how to not be sad all day everyday. I have no friends because we move so much. My husband is a very selfish man, thinks about himself way before thinking of me or the kids, and he can be verbally and emotionally abusive. He hates my mom (my dad passed away in 2004, they got along) and basically hates that I have a relationship with her at all. I am at my wits end. I want to go back to school since I haven't worked outside the home in 8 years but my husand is going back AGAIN - he has 2 degrees for the job he is in now and HATES, so I can't afford to go back.
He tells me that if he can't go back to school (which will cost of 92,000 dollars by the way) that he will kill himself. That is what I live with. I am not allowed to sleep in bed with him because I snore, and although I have lost weight (14 lbs in 2 months) and my snoring has seemed to cease according to him, I am still not allowed to sleep in bed with him on week nights in case I might keep him up. I have to get up almost as early as him, but that doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is his sleep. So with no friends or family, no job, a husband who treats me like crap, I don't know where to turn or what to do. I thought about leaving him several times, but I don't have any money, a job, or a place to live. I am hopeless.