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Old 05-18-2010, 12:27 PM   #10
rlover rlover is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Re: help with dating someone with borderline

Thanks for being so concise about the role of the co-dependent!! The solution to being addicted to sugar is not to add more sugar. Meaning just because the BPD says: "hug me all day", does not mean that hug will help at all.
The co-dependent, nice, selfless giving man who probably has low self-esteem would be able to develop out of co-dependence by having that unconditional love experience- maybe from a religious or family figure: one not reliant on external acts or events, and that may help the co-dependent get their self-love and self-confidence back.
I really appreciate how you describe that the co-dependent needs vacations too! I was wondering why my "x-victims" (past BF's) would tolerate my absolutely aweful behavior and then withdrawl mode: that was perhaps the co-dependent's chance to collect themselves emotionally- to take a breath and maybe even invision an escape.
All I can repetedly say to all the nice guys (and gals) dating the BP who are reading this is: don't be so nice, don't be so giving too much too soon or the BP will expect it always, don't solve the BP's problems by whisking away all the bad stuff in their life. DO have consequences when they show bad behavior. DO remind them you are a human with your own needs (and you need to find out what your needs are!(read book; Non-Violent Communication for needs list). DO force boundaries and space even if you don't need them (b/c the BPD does). DO hang in there and know it may take many years for real trust and real relationship to bloom.
Currently as stated above I am a high-functioning BP, someone who is a stranger to myself most of the time and ruled by the superego- doing good in society in every direction. But when my unclotted emotions start to run and run, I somehow become a monster and feel very ashamed. I cry, yell, and swear, and hurt myself. I have improved as I don't physicall hurt others anymore. The more comforted I get by my current BF, the more I feel scary emotions, until crying several hours, the exaustion hits and we are all safe again.