Re: help with dating someone with borderline
To the ones who have dated/loved someone with BPD:
Maybe he/she isn't strong enough to get it under control, maybe he/she's not getting proper therapy, meds and support.....The anger especially is torture....I can recognize it coming sometimes and try to get out of the situation so I don't hurt anyone but that takes a lot of work and sometimes it just pops up in less than a second and I'm off the deep end...for no apparent reason. And I hate it.
I don't want to be like this and wasn't born this way. I was created into this person by the abusers in my life. Unless you are BPD, you can't understand what we go through day to day inside our heads. Our thought patterns are not normal and we see things very different from the so-called "normal" people. Our feelings are facts to us, not just feelings, we can't differentiate. We are ruled by our thoughts and feelings and of course they're all negative. Being with someone like us takes a real, true, strong commitment as well as a ton of understanding.
I have a very strong, supportive, loyal man who has stood by me for the past year and a half while I have beaten him down with my anger, tore him and everyone in my reach apart, and then continued to pull myself away from all relations to isolate myself while dreaming of killing myself. I have been trying to get help for almost a year now and I've been a guinea pig for many different meds. He has stuck by me through the hellish side effects and horrible withdrawals. He has let me (yes let me) take out my pain on him over and over.
My lack of self worth really gave me no reason to get better for the previous 15 years. Also, I had no idea what was wrong with me...Why should I try to get better when I think I'm a waste of air? But knowing that I have someone who loves me unconditionally has given me a reason to try harder, to make a daily effort. His support is what keeps me going, without it I don't know where I'd be.....has he wanted to quit? Many, many times. He's not quiet about that! But he hasn't and I'm truly blessed.
I'm sure if you asked him the ratio of good to bad for our relationship, it'd go something like 15% good, 85% bad.....why he's still with me is purely out of loyalty and his vision of our future together because we can have one, a healthy one. I had to be shown what it felt like to lose him. Not once but like 10x. I don't like that feeling at all, so I keep seeking help. If your partner is shown this and is still not trying to heal then there's nothing you can do but walk away. Don't tolerate it. Make an ultimatum because there are NO excuses for abuse. I know how we treat people and it isn't nice.
The important part is knowing where *your* life starts and stops. Knowing when to take time off for yourself, seeking your own help to deal with a BPD partner, setting strong boundaries not just for your mate but for your own health. BPDs have to be held accountable and shown how we hurt people we supposedly love over and over. Make sure you and your family's needs come 1st because we are a lot of work and take up a lot of time. It's easy to get lost in that and then we all lose out.
None of this is said to make you feel guilty or like an insufficient partner. I just want you to understand a little more...Only you can decide if this life is for you. There is no known cure and it will be a life long battle for all involved. If you can not commit 100% then you're better off getting out now.
I hope that helped someone.