dealing with a miscarriage
I had a miscarriage December 2009. I was about 3 months along. Since the miscarriage happened, I've been having a very difficult time dealing with it. When it first happened, I guess I dealt with it the way most people would consider normal. I found out their was no heart beat and my first reaction was disbelief. Then I cried uncontrollably. Then when I realized I had to have a D & C done, I freaked out and panicked, not thinking I could go through with it,. Every aspect, both physical and emotional, of the D & C scared me to death. When it was over, I began grieving like most people do when someone extremely close to them dies. I had no appetite, didn't take any phone calls for weeks, had no interest in talking to anyone, not even my parents. As time, went on i thought, just like most people, that evenutally it would get better and easier to deal with. I wouldn't say that it's gotten easier, but it has started to feel different, but not for the better. I still feel the empty feeling of the loss, but it's not at the forefront of my mind as much. I've noticed that I have become more bitter and angry. I don't have patience for anything or anyone, everything pisses me off. I get very stressed out when I have to be around anyone. My stomach is always in knots and I actually think I may have an ulcer. I don't know what to think about how I feel because when I know Im going to be around people, I get stressed out and panic, but then when I am around them, it's like I turn off and feel nothing, or make myself feel nothing so that I don't risk getting upset around them. I'm afraid that I'm evolving from grief into full-blown depression. I think that the reason it continued to get worse is because my husband and I have been trying for months to get pregnant again and it's not working. So i'm dealing with, not only the frustration of that, but also the fear that maybe something is wrong with me and that's why I lost the first baby. I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by all the different emotions I'm feeling. When all this first happened, I felt like I had a clear understanding of how I felt, even if I didn't understand why it happened. Now, as time goes on, it's so hard for me to even my sense of my own feelings. Even trying to write it down here is giving me a headache.