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Old 06-26-2010, 06:22 PM   #2
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Re: dealing with a miscarriage

Klb,

I know that there are no words that can warm your heart right now but I am so sorry for your miscarriage. I experienced a miscarriage with my first and only pregnancy just last month.

Reading your story resonated with me so much. As time has gone on, I find myself angrier and more bitter day by day. When I went in for my very first confirmation appointment, I was told that I was 9 weeks and 2 days along. I was given my due date and even a bag of books and pamplets on pregnancy by my doctor's nurse before I actually saw my doctor. After my doctor saw me and did the ultrasound, I was told that there was no heartbeat, no fetal pole and the fetus didn't look developed past 3 or 4 weeks. The fact that I'd been given my due date and lovely baby books BEFORE I had the ultrasound and was told of the miscarriage seemed like a cruel joke. In fact, the next time that I see my OBGYN, I'm going to suggest that she and her staff not give the books and due date to the couple until everything is confirmed ok in the ultrasound.

I know how you feel. Even though my pregnacy was totally unplanned, and even though at first I wasn't sure that I could go through with the pregnancy, I still feel cheated. That was MY baby and no one had the right to take it from me!!! I've always been a dutiful Catholic girl and I feel angry with God.

Just today I had lunch with 2 friends from high school. (I'm 30-years old.) One has 2 girls and is currently pregnant with twin girls and she's had FIVE abortions in 13 years, and my other friend has a beautiful 2 year-old. The mother of the 2-year old is extremely overweight and she didn't even know that she was pregnant until she was close to 6 months along due to her size. I don't say this to be mean at all, I only mention her being overweight because she didn't even think she could ever have children. She had a 2 date fling with a guy and she got pregnant and now she has a beautiful little girl. I, on the other hand, am healthy, 5'9'' 140lbs, don't smoke or drink and I did EVERYTHING RIGHT! But I have a miscarriage while it seems that everyone else doesn't?!!! How is this fair? To make things even harder on me, my very best friend is expecting in September with her first child and she's over the moon. I'm happy for her but I don't know how I can bring myself to fly to New York for her baby shower next month.

Klb, I'm thinking of looking for miscarriage support groups/classes in my area sometime soon. Have you considered this, too? I think this can help women (and men) who feel the way we do. I'm trying not to shut the world out but it's hard. I go to work, come home and drink until I go to sleep. I can't keep living my life this way.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist (I'd been seeing her well over a year before I even got pregnant) and that's been a big help, too. She wants me to go on anti-depressants and, even though I'm against that, at this point I think it may be a very good thing for me. Is there a psychiatrist or therapist that you could see? How does your husband seem to be holding up? Are you able to express your anger to him?

Klb, I wrote for the very first time since my miscarriage on another forum and a poster (a guy of course) told me that I need to try to "get over it!". I sent him the nastiest email I've ever sent!!! This won't be an easy road for us to walk, Klb, and unfortunately this is something that we will never be able to forget. But, my greatest piece of advice to you, to others and to myself is this: Let yourself heal on YOUR terms. If you feel that you need to "snap out of it" because quite a few months have past, don't feel that way. Grieve however long you feel you need to grieve. Don't feel as if because time has passed that you should feel "better".

I pray for you that you and your husband have your beautiful little baby soon! We will see our angels again, Klb. We will...