Relationship OCD or something else?
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We are both 23 years old. We recently broke up last fall but got back together 6 months later. I broke it off because I listened to everyone else about things like "the passion fades, then the relationship won't work" and the notions of "soul mate" and "the one." I no longer wantes sex or intmacy so I figured somethign had to be wrong. THen, I slept around with a few guys and talked to many, many guys, and I had no interest in them. All I could think of was my boyfriend. So, we gradually started talkign again, and wer got back together. We were so happy! The sex was amazing, passionate. The feelings felt like they completely returned.
Now lets go to the present, 6 months after getting back together. My boyfriend and I have a great relationship. He treats me amazing and, in 5 years, we have rarely fought. WE pretty much live together in his parentsí house, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't see him. I know there are different stages of a relationship, and that everything goes back to its comfort level in a relationship. Here is where my problem and anxiety/obsession/commitment phobia/relationship ocd comes in.
I have had anxiety all of my life, but have never been treated or tested for it. Now that I look back, I think I may also have forms of OCD. On and off for years, I would get these thoughts in my head about my mom dying and wouldn't be able to get them out and cry and get depresses. I also started getting weird head pains, and I kept thinking I have cancer, I'm going to die, etc. I even thought I had skin cancer. Now here is where my obsessive thinking about my relationship comes in. It started out of no where one day before my boyfriend and I were going to take a vacation alone for a week, which we've done many times before. I started panicking thinking about our future and then thatís when all the doubts started. I started to analyze every part of our relationship. I would think of our sex life and how itís boring, and that means he must not be right for me. I would pick at all stupid things thinking that maybe heís not the one or Iím just holding on because Iím comfortable. I constantly fear that maybe he isn't "the one" or that maybe there's someone better. What adds to this fear is that I have only been in 2 long term relationships. Nowadays, so many people date around to find ďthe right person,Ē so I think, maybe I havenít dated enough. I start to think are we really compatible? Are we going to have a boring marriage? I also get into my moods where I don't want sex and don't like being affectionate. The more Iím like this the more I feel guilty and think I donít love him and he only loves me. I think will I cheat on him in the future or never want sex with him? This has caused me to have major anxiety around him. So lately, Iíve been spending time away from him to see if I miss him or see if the weird feeling in my stomach will go away when I do see him again. Keep in mind I donít work, I just graduated, and I do nothing all day. SO I think, maybe thatís why we get sick of each other. My life revolves around him, and we never get to crave or miss each other.
I am constantly in a battle with my head that says, ďIs my gut telling me something? Do I really not love him? Am I will him for the wrong reasons? Or is this some kind of mental problem or OCD?Ē So, overall I am hoping any of you dealing with OCD have an opinion about if this is a gut instinct and he's wrong for me, or if this is relationship/commitment anxiety or OCD that I need to deal with. We have such a great relationship and I can see myself having kids and stuff, but lately when I think of a future and loving him forever, I get freaked out. Thanks and sorry for the long story!