Senior Veteran (female)
Join Date: Oct 2006
Re: I need mature advice.
Well, with my high school crushes, it wasn't so hard to "get over" because like I said, it was more a worship from afar kind of thing, so there was no relationship to break, so it was more just a maturing out of it more than anything else.
But my first real love, my first relationship, was very difficult to get over. He broke up with me, we "stayed friends" but it was just me hanging around waiting for him to change his mind. We got back together a couple of months later, three weeks after that he dumped me again, we were "just friends" again, then a few months later he swore he loved me for real, would never leave me again, blah blah blah, we were together another year, then he ended it for good. By that time we had inflicted so much pain on each other there was no way we could be friends. My heart was so broken, it took a long time to get over that one, I think mainly because I was older when it happened, and I felt like it wasn't just one relationship I was losing, but I felt I had lost my whole future, my future husband and life mate, my future home, my unborn children, all my hopes and dreams, so it took a while. But he had been dishonest to me about some pretty important stuff, and there were times he had been verbally abusive, and one time physically abusive, so I had a lot of anger I had to work out as well. I was angry for a long time. I saw a counselor for a while to get over the insecurity that was caused and exacurbated by exposing myself to verbal abuse, and I took a self defense course and that really helped. But at the end of the day, you just have to take a good long hard look at it, and say "this is where I messed up, and these are the lessons I learned and this is where he messed up and I don't really want to be with someone who will do that again, and this is why we're not together anymore and this is why that's a good thing." It takes not only time, but working through it as well, and also filling your life up with hobbies, passions, pursuits, friends, family, school, work, volunteering, whatever makes you a more well-rounded person and makes you feel like you've got a purpose. And faith that things happen for a reason. You were together for a reason, and it ended for a reason, and that's ok.
So as far as what do you get over, I think you get over the hurt, the anger, and you evolve past needing the romantic part of it. You get over needing to be loved the way he loved you, and you realize that there could be someone out there who could love you in a way that's more compatible, healthier, in a more fulfilling and supportive and less drama and stress-filled way.
But I think you can break up and still be friends IF you really were friends in the first place. I thought the guy I dated was a friend, but it seems I was wrong about that. But if you both can get over the hurt and understand that it's over, and be ok with that and not want to go back to the romantic part of the relationship, and be happy for each other when you both find other people to date, then yes, you can be friends. Good luck.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 09-22-2010 at 08:35 AM.