Little back round I was separated/alienated from my grandmother who had alzheimers since 04. I would call the house and my uncles/aunts would not let me talk to her and they were extremely verbally abusive to me it didnt stop me I kept calling for my grandmother.
This past oct 28th to be exact I had a strange feeling something wasnt right. I looked at local paper for the town she lived and sure enough she passed away on 10/16/10 and had her funeral services on 10/20/10. I am beyond angered my family did not tell me of her passing and give me the chance to say my goodbyes.
Issues coming up now are alot of anger from what my family has done to me and how my heart was yanked out of my chest losing my grandmother. My bf and I have been having issues I been pushing him away - I mean im not purposely doing it - but my family sure as hell drove a message right through my heart that I wasnt good enough to be there my on blood and its hard for me to let others be there now with that message burning my heart and ears. My bf's parents got on me saying how I am causing him so much pain - i asked my bf to leave because I didnt want to lose my temper and i wanted to spare a unnessecary fight. just enough time for me to calm down and recollect myself but his family makes me feel like poop...like i already feel guilty for not being at my grandmothers funeral and I need more...what about what I am going through and not to mention with the loss of my grandmother I also lost my entire family and i have no where to turn.
i mean is it uncommon to push ppl away after a death of someone close? I mean in my head is that fear he will leave now...i have tons of abandonment issues and my grams death is surfacing them all....but they make me feel wrong.