Re: grief process
I am trying to go through hospice for therapy. I did go to one session and he basically broke down what I would be up against. The pushing people away part wasn't on the list. I was absorbing alot of information which is hard in a time like this. I am waiting to get in for another appt.
Thing with my bf and let me own up to my wrongs I confuse him quite honestly. I ask him to go when I really want him to stay. I have in my head he is going to leave me now. I mean it was easy for rest of my family to do why not him. Then when he goes I get mad and want him back with me. So I am sure I am sending him mixed signals. not purposely alot of this is very confusing to me - my head is mush. i cant tell you from one minute to the next where I will be on the roller coaster of emotions. I am forgetting things I need to do. I can't sleep, concentrate, relax feel really anxious and reaaaaaaaaly sad or just really numb that this isnt happening. It's alot to process and my family has been preparing for her passing over the years and with help and support of hospice. it would be nice to have support i just dont know how to accept it - there is such a war in my head saying i dont deserve it because all my family has instilled in my head with negative comments. Thats the part I need to figure out my family has really distorted my thoughts on that. I know its not good to hold onto the anger for my family in fact I pray for them. I give it to God to deal with so it does not eat me up inside and cause more problems.
I am trying to figure out a memorial that I can make for my gram that way I do get to say everything I wanted and my goodbyes. I know in my heart she knows the truth now that I did call over the yrs/emails asking about her I never stopped caring she knows that as she know free from the horrible disease that took her life.