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Old 01-26-2011, 06:02 PM   #1
MadScientist176 MadScientist176 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New York, USA
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ADHD FiancÚ is Extremely Frustrating!

Hey everyone, this is my first post here. I just need to get this out there. I'm 21 and my fiancÚ is 22 and we've been together for over 2 1/2 years. He started taking ADHD medication (Ritalin, Concerta, etc.) when he was 7 years old. He hated this medication because he said it made him feel like a zombie, just not himself. Around age 13, he became depressed, made several suicide attempts until 17, and was hospitalized twice for it. He was put on a cocktail of depression medications during this time (at this point, his ADHD was not being treated anymore).

He flunked out of college twice before we met. He would procrastinate, not be able to complete all of the work, would get frustrated, and just give up. Since our relationship began, he hasn't kept jobs for a long time. Also, until recently, he would find a career for himself to pursue and end up not sticking with it. He tried to go for a personal trainer certification over a year ago, but little did he know it was one of the most difficult ones (hundreds of multiple choice, ten essays, and a self-made video explaining 25 exercises without using notecards). Needless to say, he didn't finish it and hasn't tried a different one since, although he says he will. He also wanted to design video games; it was a great idea at the time, but he never followed through. He also wanted (still wants) to be a fantasy writer. His story is quite compelling and he's an amazing writer, but it involves hundreds of characters, five different worlds with their own countries, and a vast array of stories. There is so much to write about that he can't even organize it into a book! He is like this with everything: he starts many different things, but can't finish any of them.

For the passed few years, he has been riding his bike everywhere. Only very recently was he able to buy a car, insure it, and register it. He's just now practicing to get his license. His parents are very reluctant to help him with anything, given their relationship with him during his teen years. His dad makes $120,000 a year (not including what his mom makes), but they won't help him beyond paying for the first two months of car insurance and letting him stay with them for the time being (he had been staying with a friend for over a year until last month, when he suffered a knee injury from biking so much).

He has been very happy with his driving progress (as have I), but for the passed few days, when I ask him what he did that day, it's just: playing some video games, talking with my brothers, watching some TV, exercising. He has a course starting in May to become a Certified Nurse Assistant (he only wants to be a nurse now because I told him that'd probably be the best, most stable job for him!), but he is never curious about it. He doesn't research how much they make, what the job would be like, how he can get his LPN/RN after the CNA, or anything like that. He seems like he's just totally disinterested in it and wouldn't do anything if I didn't make him do it. Every time I tell him about this, he gets kind of defensive and sees it as me being "annoying" and having a bad attitude; then he says "Okay, fine, I'll do it now" and wants to get off the phone right away. I'm trying to help him, but it seems it isn't enough. He doesn't want to think about the future. We're living in New York now and I'll likely be leaving this fall/winter to go to North Carolina with my parents, and I want him to be ready so we can at least get an apartment down there. I'll be finishing my Bachelor's in Political Science/History in August. At the rate he's going now, he won't be ready and we'll have to live apart indefinitely. I don't want that to happen and I tell him this, but he doesn't seem to get it.

Until last year, I never realized so clearly how all this could be due to ADHD. His big problem areas are: not being able to multi-task (I can't give him too many projects to do at once or else he'll get overwhelmed), forgetting important things, not taking initiative on important things, not being able to focus on reading or writing things that he is not intensely interested in, and not being able to finish tasks that he starts. He also forgets smaller things, like putting dishes away or cleaning up messes.

I don't know if I've painted him in a bad light here. He really is a wonderful, sweet, affectionate guy. I know he loves me more than anything and is completely faithful to me. We both just get along so well that we feel as if we're extensions of each other. We have an amazing sex life, too. He helps me in ways that no one else could and I couldn't imagine a man more perfect for me. He's also extremely intelligent; sometimes he just blows me away with his ability to understand/explain things or come up with new ideas. He is very mechanically-inclined and is a fast learner. I know he is not stupid at all, but his ADHD affects him so badly. I want him to try out a medication before his course starts in May, but I'm not sure it'll be possible. He'll be starting a job soon, but I don't know if it'll be enough to pay the costs. He has also been very wary of psychiatric medications due to his terrible experiences with them, but I think if he had the money, he'd try them out.

Sigh. I know this is so long! I just really need some help with him. What should I do? What CAN I do? What are his options? ADVICE PLEASE!