I am new to these message boards and still unsure of how everything works so please bear with me.
I am 31, married, have two young children (ages 5 and 7) and stay at home to care for the house and children. Financially we are in good standing.
I have been depressed as long as I can remember (even as a young girl). My childhood and family life were quite complicated. It wasn't necessarily "bad" but it has affected me in a negative way. I am also in an unhappy marriage. I love my husband dearly but I really don't want to be married to him. We have been married almost 10 years and together almost 14 years. I hate having sex with him and dread it. It is cause for great anxiety on my part as well as quite a bit of depression. There is a bit of background in this area but I won't go into it right now.
I love my children and would do anything for them including give my life for them. I do my best to be a good Mother and care for them the way I feel they should be cared for... but I honestly wish I would never have had children.
I see a therapist every other week and on the weeks I don't see him I see a nurse practitioner. I have seen my therapist for about two years now and feel like I have gotten no where... In fact I feel worse than I did when I started. I have come to realize that only I can change. I can not change others and I can not expect others to change for me. This only makes me more depressed. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt anyone. My husband is clueless. He doesn't know how unhappy I am with our marriage. I have expressed my dislike of sex (it usually hurts me quite a bit to have sex) and he understands but he has needs. I feel so trapped.
I was contemplating suicide and had a plan back in November/December 2010 but my husband found out through a friend I confided in and took away the pills I had been saving (phenobarbital). The nurse practitioner raised my zoloft to 200mg (from 100mg) and it helped for a short time but I am back to feeling severely depressed again. I've been lying to my therapist and nurse practitioner because I'm just so tired of everything. I don't even want to talk to them about it anymore. I really just want to disappear. I feel so overwhelmed by life. I am stuck in an unhappy marriage with two young children, a house to take care of and no desire to do anything... I feel like such a looser or wus or something... It takes everything I have to just get out of bed most days... but I know I have to take care of my children and the house.
I thought maybe there would be people here who would understand my situation and maybe have some kind words to say or maybe some advice...