Join Date: Mar 2011
Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.
Well, in my opinion, I feel your husband...as hard working as he is, is being a little unfair. So, it sounds like he's getting to pursue his dreams and passions, but you're not? Sorry, that's not how it works...at least, that's not how it would work for me.
Now granted, I'm 26, have no children...and while I'm in a loving relationship at the moment...I don't have plans for marriage for quite a while. I just got out of grad school a couple years ago and am way too focused on my career. And, I'm also a male...so realize that I have a completely different perspective of life...which forms the context of my advice.
But you've said you've explained your feelings to your husband, and he calls you ungrateful? Ok, first off, to me that shows a lack of communication and understanding on his part. He needs to realize that he made this choice, just like you did to get married and have a child. (Although, I guess from your post...the child was unexpected...but still, he knew the consequences of making love to you, especially if it was unprotected sex.)
So because of that, he needs to be more of a Husband and Father. Now, I one day would love to be a Husband and Father and have a family. But God knows I'm nowhere near ready for that now. Like I said, I'm way too focused on my career. But when the day comes that I'm ready to committ to having a wife, and a child...you better believe I will full-heartedly sacrifice anything I need to, to be the best Husand and Father that I can be for the woman I love, and the child I need to raise.
So your husband made that choice at a younger age...and he has to own up to that. Yes, it's great that he's pursuing a career, and working hard. But really, that's only half of it. The other half, and most important half...in my opinion...is being there for your wife and child. And if he's not able to do that second half affectively, then he needs to rethink his commitments. Because right now...his BIGGEST COMMITMENT should be his wife and son. PERIOD.
And there is absolutely no reason that you should feel so alone, especially at such an important phase in your life. I agree with the other posters that you should find something nearby to fullfill you...whether that be an organization of other young mothers, or maybe taking a writing/acting class or something. But, I think that's secondary to the Primary issue that needs to be addressed.
And that's this. You need to have an important discussion with your husband and explain to him that it's not right for you to be a "stay at home mom" while he gets to pursue his dreams and passions. You're happy for him of course, but...he needs to be there for you too. And you both have to figure out how to make this work. Because you can't wait idely by as he lives his life.
If he shuts you down, and tells you that you're ungrateful. You need to stand up to him, and tell him that he needs to give you something to be grateful for (outside of him just working/med school)...which is being THERE, in person for you and your child. And if he doesn't like that. Tough. That's the choice he made. And maybe he needs to put his plans on hold for a little while until you both can figure out how to make this work.
I can guarantee you that if the tables were turned, and he was the "stay at home" dad while you were working full-time, pursuing higher-level education, and volunteering...for him, that would get real old, real fast. Sure, you'd feel fulfilled in life, but he'd feel empty. Both because he's not getting to pursue his dreams of med-school...and he would barely have you there for emotional support while he raised the child. Yeah, that wouldn't fly for too long. So please, do not feel that because you are the woman, that that should be your role. Because that's just not how it is. And your husband has to realize that.
Because right now, it's not working. I'm sorry. You're too young to be feeling like this. And you need more emotional support.
And if he's not willing to listen...and says pursuing his dreams is his hard work for you and his child...then you need to tell him that that's not enough. And if he says you're ungrateful...then I really think you need to emphasize the fact that you have dreams too. And if he's not willing to sacrifice a little more, then...and this part is a little hard for me to say...but then maybe he's not the man for you.
HOWEVER, I don't condone you leaving him until you've had some honest, heartfelt, constructive communication with him. He's at a time in his life where he's really trying to make something out of himself, and that's to be respected. Let him know that you understand that. But he's forgetting his most important role. Being a Husband and a Father. And what it means to be a Husband and a Father. You need to remind him. And he might not like it. But like I said, that's life...and that was his choice to become a Husband and Father. He needs to own up to it...and to recognize what that means.
Last edited by Sterling221; 03-14-2011 at 02:40 PM.