Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.
So, firstly I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and advice. It's good to know there are people out there who would take the time out of their day to try to help a stranger.
It's been almost a year since I wrote that post and I did attempt to take some of the advice I read here. As a result, a few things have changed for the better. Unfortunately, I'm still not rolling in friends or playdates for my son. I am painfully shy, I've been hurt many times in my life and making friends has never been easy for me, which explains why I married a man I met on the internet and at such a young age.
Since that post last June I started school again, I took two classes in the Fall semester and did quite well. This allowed me to feel I was working towards a goal, but also added more stress to my already stressful life. This semester I am taking two classes again and doing well.
I started going to the gym in an attempt to raise my rock bottom self-esteem. I've lost my last ten pounds of baby weight and I haven't looked this good since I got married, I'm pretty proud of myself.
Also, I confessed to members of my husband's family how lonely and bored I was and they started inviting me to parties and to hang out with them more often. I find it odd that I am consistently reminded that I am pretty, or funny, or fun to be with and yet I always I tell myself they must be taking pity on me and don't really want to be with me at all.
Six months ago I started seeing a Psychologist to attempt to gain some confidence and get out to meet new people, so far it hasn't helped. As much as I want to have friends and meet new people I just can't bring myself to start a conversation with a stranger, it can take dozens of interactions for me to trust enough to have a comfortable one-on-one conversation.
Next week I am starting a class with other young moms so that my son can get some social interaction with kids his age. However, the thought of having to talk to these women scares the bejesus out of me. I know that it's irrational and ridiculous, but the fact remains that I will freeze up and completely blank as soon as someone starts talking to me. Then I will try to end the conversation as quickly, painlessly, and politely as possible. It's no wonder I have no friends.
I have focused so much on making friends to replace the relationship I had with my husband because I refuse to ask him to give up on his dream. The fact remains that I really do appreciate that he works hard and wants to contribute a comfortable living to our family. I am not ungrateful, however I firmly believe that I could do the same or better given the chance. It will be more difficult for me than it has been for him with the added responsibility of a child, but I wholeheartedly believe I am more than capable. In another 18 months my child will begin school and I will have more time for my education. As far as making friends goes I find that the more I put myself out there the more confident I get, it's painfully slow and I was thinking of possibly taking anti-anxiety medication to help with that.
So, to sum I have resigned myself to a friendly marriage where I am no longer attracted to or in love with my husband. I love my husband, he will always be my first love and my best friend, but I will likely never again feel for him what I once did. I will have to use that energy on improving myself, after all we have this beautiful child to raise together and he deserves to have his parents. My husband is a very loving and concerned father who only wants to provide a better life for his child and in the future he will be around more, I hope. Medical school will be a break for him as he will no longer have to work full time or volunteer. He will be home a little more often and maybe we can rekindle our relationship at that time, who knows.
I want to thank all of you again for your kindness and concern. If anyone has more advice it is always appreciated.