Does my mother truly love me?
My mother and I, well we are not close. Not at all, I have tried to do things with her but no matter what I say she disagrees or nit picks at it. One of the things is what I wear and my make up. I am just a Gothic teenager but I am not out of control. I have advanced placement classes, I have excellent grades and I have a job that pays more then minimum wage. I try to help out around the house by cooking, cleaning and I buy my mother things to try to be nice but yet it does not work
She is constantly yelling at me about how I did not do things the right way. How my grades are not good enough. Whenever I need new clothes I ask her if she will take me to a thrift store or something like that. (My father does make good money and we are not poor. I just like the simple things in life and not making my parents buy me expensive things.) Well she will nag and ***** about how she does not have the money but guess who goes out the next second to buy beer and cigarettes. She is constantly drinking and constantly putting me down.
I have gained weight due to her constantly pointing out all the bad things about myself. The only comfort I feel like I have is food so I start eating. She will tell me how I can never do anything correct, I am an idiot and a failure at life. Also that I look like white trash and just an idiot and I embarrass her. Hearing these things every day have made me have no self esteem what so ever. I have actually had suicide thoughts because she just makes me feel like a worthless piece of trash.
I know one of the things is go to my father about this but I can't. He is always working and the ONLY time I have with him is taking me to school in the morning. That is only about five minutes so I do not get to spend a lot of time with him. I do tell him what my mother says and does but he doesn't have time to handle it.
A recent thing that has happened is my mother was yelling at me and invading my personal place. I calmly said "Mom, please back up. I do not want to speak to you, you are invading my space and I would appreciate it if you would kindly leave me alone." Well in a fit of rage grabbed my stuff and threw it. I was angered but knew not to fight or it would make things worse. She then proceeded to push me and grab my arms quite hard.
She has done things like this before, throwing my books, my ipod or cell phone at the walls. She has even thrown my favorite pair of Dr. Marten boots away that my father bought me for my birthday. I had to go and dig them out of the dirty trash to retrieve them.
She tells me that she wishes I was never born and how much more money they would have if it was not for my asthma, eye sight problems and the outrageous amount of debt I put them in when I was born. I was premature and only weighed two pounds, also I had an over sized heart, lungs and kidneys.
I am constantly on new inhalers due to my horrible asthma and I go in and out of the hospital due to being so emotionally upset towards my mother. I do not know how to fix this until I move away to college and that is still another three years away. I do not know if my mother truly loves me or if she has mental issues. I just need help dealing with her and how to stop myself from the emotional eating.
And another thing is my mother treats my cousins like her own daughters. Buying them new and expensive things, giving them anything they want and going out and doing things with them. When I want to join them my cousins will make a remark like well you have to walk about fifty feet away because we do not want anyone to know you are related to us. I feel ashamed of myself and want to just be done with life and never have to embarrass my family again.