Today is my 23 day without my magic pill. I have been using oxycodone for about 2 years now. for the past year I was using between 300mg - 500mg daily and at the end I wanted more. I could see that I was on a downhill spiral and the only place I was going was Heroin. That scared that hell out of me bc I had grown up with a Heroin addict as a parent and had spent the better part of my life trying to avoid her mistakes. I realized I had fallin into the same addiction she had and I knew where it took her/ US when she was using. But I was sick, in pain and life just didn't seem worth living. but my attempts to OD had failed and I was too scared to do anything else. I wanted to get clean but it seemed so out of reach. I spent most of my time isolated for about a week. Getting high and thinking. Thinking constantly. The high wasn't taking away the thoughts of life in the hell of my addiction. It wasn't taking away the emotional pain and making me feel numb anymore. The magic pill wasn't working. I had to make a choice. It was life or death. It was real and intense. I made the choice to try to get clean. I did my last pill on 3/2/11 and woke up the next day dope sick and wanting to get high BUT I gave my ATM, ID and money to my partner and sent her off to work. I was determined to get clean and not feel this way anymore. That morning I started making calls to detox facilities in the area. I was going to go whereever had a bed available. I suffered in pain all day and went to detox that night around 7pm. I was sick, broken and miserable. All I wanted was some type of relief from the pain and I thought that as soon as I got to detox they would give me something for the withdrawals. They didn't. I didn't see a doctor until 3pm the next day. I had been through almost 2 days of withdrawals. Sweats, shakes, pain everywhere, cramps everywhere, puking, shitting, freezing. I had goose bumps in places I never thought they exsisted. NOW I get to see a doctor. I was ******. NOW this ***** wants to give me something to help the pain. I felt as though I had gone through the worst and dealt with it and that it could only get better but NOW he wants to give me suboxin. The anger fueled a discussion that I don't think that doctor will forget. I went in to meet with the treatment team, I was still shaking, had the goose bumps everywhere and was still in a great deal of pain from withdrawing. The doctor says " given the amount of opiates you were using we are starting you on suboxin and you will probably be on this for a year or so" To his surprise I told him I did not want the suboxin and I wanted to do this on my own. Not substituting one drug for another. I was not going to get on a drug that I would have to stay on for a year so that I could stop using another drug. To me it didn't make sense and I was feeling the withdrawals already and I was dealing with them as bad as they were. I was getting through it without the suboxin and I was determined to do it without another drug. The doctor was surprised and told me I had to stay at the facility for one more night so he could be sure I was physically ok. I agreed to that and was kinda happy he said that. I knew I was strong but the pain was deep and I knew I couldnt get high at the facility so it was a safe place for the night. The next day I felt a little better. Still pain and no sleep but my mind was getting clearer and that felt good. I got picked up around 3pm and went to an NA meeting that night. The next week was not so bad. Dealing with the physical withdrawals helped me avoid the mental and emotional aspect. So it was fairly easy to stay clean. I slept a couple days and that felt great. I was proud of myself. Seems like once I got past the physical stuff it got much harder. Feeling physically great made me start to think of everything. I mean everything. I hadn't clearly thought about anything in 2 years. I have feelings and emotions that have been building up for years bc even when the opiates weren't a factor I was still an addict. I never wanted to deal with feeling. I hate feeling. I love the numb nothingness of using. So I have years of feelings that I have built up inside that I am dealing with now. It's crazy bc even good feeling are hard to deal with. every feeling is so intense. I want to want life. I want to want to feel again but I dont know how and I am not enjoying this ride I am on right now. How do a start to enjoy the feelings or at least deal with them?