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Old 04-02-2011, 10:54 PM   #1
IonRage IonRage is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: long island Ny
Posts: 5
IonRage HB User
Unhappy I'd cut myself if it didn't hurt

because I hate pain. I really do. I tend to over eggagerate (sp!) pain because i think it hurts so much. I hear of people going to the dentist w/o using novocaine, and I'm like ***?? LOL I need like 5 shots just to get a cavity filled --- and we won't even go into how i feel about the shots, lol

That said-- I just said, out loud to myself tonight--- I'd cut myself if it didn't hurt so damn much !!!!!!!

I really would, because my ex dummped me 2 years ago and we were together for 11 years . we have one child together (he's almost 9).. the ex lied and cheated (but not slept w/ anyone but who the heck knows how true that is), and I am a firm believer that you can havfe anything you want as long as you really want it.. but he doesn't want me anymore, he wants her and I don't understand why he loves her like he does, but didn't love me the way he loves her..

April 2nd would have been 13 years for us. I wanted to fix it, but he didn't. I paid $500 of my money for counseling and he lied to him.

But why do I want to be w/ him? i don't know... we just had a 35 min long conversation where I balled my eyes out and screamed and yelled and told me he doesn't feel anything anymore..

I'm so lost.

I'm just too scared of the pain that's why I won't do it.. But i know the pain might take away the emotional pain I've been feeling for the past 2 years.

But it hurts too much. And i don't want it to become a habit, but I'm afraid it will.

I can't believe I just typed this post. I had an appt w/ a psychiatrist 2 weeks ago but the bus didn't stop near the place and I ended up two miles away and was already late and I called them and they said i had to reschedule and I had already waited a MONTH to see someone. I'll just tell them what I wrote in this post and maybe I'll get in faster.. Boy, they really care about me, don't they?

ps--I'm 40 btw