Thank you for responding... its go to know im not alone, even though I feel so incrediably alone... I feel like every breath I take im pretending to be someone im not anymore... i'm pretending that my whole life didn't happen. And sometimes i turly wish it was happening.... I understand people saying its not my fault... but i can't get over the feelings that its what i deserved. I deserved my ex to beat and rape me, for all the things i did to make my brother do it to me. I had to have lead them both on over time... Its the only way i can understand what has happened... I have gotten in touch with a crisis center around where i live. But i'm scared to actually go. I'm scared that they are going to make confront everything that has happened to me.. I'm afraid that once its starts its never going to end... i'm scared that I'm going to get worst before i get better and I don't think i can... I've hit my rock bottom so many times in the last 7 months. I've tried so many times to end all the pain... drinking, doing drugs, not caring... everything... I've tried to go on about my life, getting up each day and going to work because they need me there. If they didn't i would never get out of bed again.... Never get up to pretend that everything is okay... when it truly isn't. Anyway, i have been in touch with this center... it just never seems to work out... something always comes up and i feel like maybe i'm not suppose to go to this appointment. Maybe by opening up about everything its going to kill me... Maybe if i open all this up about my brother, then i am going to be alone, because my family will turn their back on me. If my family ever finds out about this, about what i caused my brother to do to me, they will never ever talk to me again. they will never be here for me... they will forever hate me for doing this to my brother. They too will see it was my fault... And because i already feel so alone i'm scared that i really will be alone when other people find out... i really will be standing in my life completely alone.
And with the holidays around the corner, i'm even more scared because my brother will be there. If i tell my family that i can''t go they won't understand... they never do... and they will make me go... so i will have to just hide all my thoughts and feelings again... i will have to pretend that nothing is going on in my life and all that has been brought up isn't affecting me... anyway, thanks for getting back to me... I hope that one day i will be something im suppose to be... but i don't think that i am worth even that...
