Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help
I have been reading your posts for about a week now, and I didn't really have anything to add, so I hadn't commented up until now. I still don't have much to add, but still wanted to offer some support.
You have been given some great advice here from Joe, Terri and Sas. I urge you to consider it all. It seems like you are taking their words to heart and that is great.
I wanted to address your question about abusers/abusees. You say that mental/emotional abuse isn't recognized by the courts, but it is, although harder to prove, but your boyfriend is physically abusing you. I have to say that what your boyfriend is doing to you is rape. Pure and simple, if you don't want to have sex and he forces you, either by mental or physical cohersion, that is rape. Further, you asked if it is common for the person who is being abused to make excuses and feel like it is their fault. As I understand it, this is the most NORMAL reaction that women have. You feel like you are at fault in some convoluded way, either by feeling like your not good enough or what have you. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. Throughout these posts I have seen you almost making excuses for him, you realize he isn't acting properly but you seek a reason why when it doesn't matter. He won't get help. So you will never know for sure if he has any disorders, therefore won't be able to apply them to your kids either, so does it matter if he has mental issues?? I understand you are worried about your kids, and honestly they should get some counselling now as it has to have had an impact on them watching a man treat you like this. So bite the problem in the butt and try and get them in for conselling too. Maybe you can even help them discover if the do have mental health issues.
If I were you, i wouldn't mention any of your plans to your spouse. He sounds like he is ready to fly off the handle and there are well documented cases where there has been no previous physical abuse but there as emotion and psychological and when the woman went to leave, man snaps and aweful aweful things happen. I am worried about you. Are there no shelters in the US? No Welfare?
I sincerely hope you get out of this and soon. I haven't even addressed your pain, and frankly it concerns me that it is so extreme, but your personal safety and that of your kids is in jeopardy right now. You sound like a momma-bear and I know you have the strength to leave.
I (and this whole community) am here if you need to talk... But please, please, accept that this needs to end, NOW. My thoughts are with you. <3 ooooooo
Best & Hugs,
25 year old with a messed up back:
February 23, 2010 - Injury on the job.
March 03, 2011 - Two-level fusion at L4-L5-S1 with hardware and lamenectomy.