Always wondered if my father abused me
I'm hoping i can get some opinions of whether or not I should be concerned. i don't believe my father actually raped me. I'm more concerned that he might have touched me in an inappropriate way. Or maybe there is some other explanation for these feelings? My sister has these exact same concerns.
for some reason, I cringe and get EXTREMELY uncomfortable when my dad hugs me. I always have. I cringe if I am standing or sitting next to him and have any physical contact, such as arms touching. I am not like this with other people. I like hugs - even from older male relatives. at one time, he was in the hospital and was in a possible life-threatening situation. I sat next to him and he held my hand, and I even hated that. I do love my dad, but I never understood why I've felt so uncomfortable around him.
he has always had the "sweet, big teddy bear" image with the women in our lives - female relatives, friends of my sister and mine, his co-workers. NOBODY else seems uncomfortable around him. Quite the opposite - they initiate hugs all the time.
We also have an older brother. We are all three happily married. all six of us notice and talk about how our dad will stare at beautiful women. He does this all the time. He will position himself where it appears he's videotaping our kids or something, but he's either not recording (just spying through the lens), or there is a cute woman in the background once we see the video. this is something SO common that we talk and even joke about it all the time. He never misses the opportunity to stare at or talk to a cute woman.
My mom does not seem bothered or even seem to notice any of this. She is very much a person who can turn a blind eye, and can block things out of her memory. Besides this, I had a good and normal childhood. we were a church-going family and my parents were very charitable and did lots of volunteer work. Although, our parents never had The Talks with us. Never talked about sex, drugs, drinking. Difficult subjects were simply avoided. When my sister started her period, she didn't know what was happening and was terrified.
I believe my dad had a pretty good/normal childhood. His dad died when I was 5 and his mom died when I was 10 so I don't remember much about them, but my only memories are very warm and loving. I did not feel uncomfortable around them. However, as I'm writing this, I'm realizing that both of my dad's sisters ended up marrying men who have been accused of molesting (fondling) teenage girls.
I don't know that I have any signs of being an abused person. I don't have a problem with intimacy. Never did drugs or had any other destructive behavior, other than teenage (social) drinking. And I lost my virginity at the very early age of 14 - probably because I was allowed to go on car dates with my 17 year old boyfriend. Our family is also extremely modest. we always changed clothes behind locked doors. I am just now trying to feel comfortable changing in front of my husband of 11 years. I am especially modest around my father. I intentionally never wear halter tops, fitted, or lower cut clothes around him. And my idea of fitted and low-cut is actually quite conservative to most people.
I have 2 young daughters and they don't seem bothered by their grandpa. But I really cringe when they sit on his lap, and they often do. there is a photo that a family friend keeps sending of her children and mine with my dad. in the picture, my girls are sitting on his lap and each straddling his leg. this picture seriously creeps me out and makes my stomach turn. But everyone else thinks it is a great picture.
I sometimes wonder if my brother knows something or has the same weird feelings. he and our dad do not seem to have a typical father-son bond. he and his family live a thousand miles away from us, and make very few attempts to come back for visits. He is a great guy, but seems to keep the rest of the family at arms length. I don't feel that I can talk to him about this.
the only other person I felt this way around was a distant relative who I'm no longer related to because he divorced. I was never alone with him, but hated hugging or talking to him. I did tell my mom about this and she said that he had been accused of sexually abusing his step-daughter.
Sorry this is so long. I realize there are lots of people with much more serious issues. this is just something that has bothered me for as long as I can remember. TIA for any input