Re: Always wondered if my father abused me
You sound exactly how I feel about my father and he did abuse me. The fact that you do not have memories may mean he abused you before you had words.
I would always say trust that gut instinct and protect your children..that means never leave them alone with him. Talk to them about secrets, positive touching of others and inappropriate.
I would get yourself into a really great counselor...one that you trust and feel safe to really be intimate with. One that will not put ideas into your head but rather help you to find out about yourself and what really happen. You may never have any memories but I still would always trust your gut. Is it worth your children being hurt in such a way that it will be with them all their life.
By the way, I never did drugs or had sex irresponsibly. I wanted till it was with a man I loved but after reading stories of what abuse has done to other women I would worry about if I might go to those extremes. It has come out in other ways in my life.
I went to at least 3 counselors before I found the right one...My older sister was abused more severely by my father than I and yet she buried her memories until her child hit the age when it started with her...than the memories began to surface.
I think your father has problem about women. The fact that he is constantly noticing women, to the point that he will film them instead of focusing on family says to me...no expert just feelings..that he is over sexed regarding women. Men who abused frequently are.
In my family...we all were modest. But there was under lying sexual energy that I did not feel in healthy families. I was often called the prude because it made me feel uncomfortable..and I know I am not a prude. But with my family sexual jokes always made me feel sick too and now i understand why.
If you can watch Oprah's show on men who abused children ..was 5/6 of them, all ages, races...it will open your eyes how they feel they were doing nothing wrong...what cons they are and how much in denial they all are in.
I finally saw what a con my father is and that is apologies were bs but the anger and resentment he has against me for telling to protect my nieces, is very really and ugly.
Sad part, I told to protect my nieces...and now my nieces think it is me with the problem...that i do not let go of the abuse...when in truth it is just my father doing excellent con job on them.
They only have listen to his side in last few years...and he lies about when we have fights what they are about or who brought up the abuse which is always him or my mother never me. My niece made it clear to me that she wanted to stay out of it....but yet her mother tells her things and she talks to my parents about it.
I try really hard to try and respect her wishes...but it hurts because I did it all for her and her sister. I do it again too so she never have the soul damaging pain it cause when your own father crosses that line. I just hope one day she will ask me about it and hear what it did to me. Now i guess they want a happy grandfather who treats them completely different than he does his own kids...he basically has written his own daughters off. He is that angry at all of us.
So...that is why before you say anything...get really good help because your entire world can change. But if it protects your children..than it is totally worth it. GOOD LUCK sorry my answer is so long too