| | Help! Need reassurance-does anyone else have this fear?
I've had the usual obsessions of harming someone else impulsively (once scared the hell out of myself because I got the thought :if my boyfriend doesn't stop snoring, I'm going to put this pillow over his face! Now, really, what woman hasn't had that brief thought before?!) and I've been able to make those obsessions not bother me anymore. The one I can't seem to keep from "sticking" is a fear that my thoughts and worries will get so bad that I will want to kill myself. Basically, my thought process goes something like this: "This anxiety is crippling me, I can't enjoy the things I normally do and I'm so sad that I can't. But if I'm sad, doesn't that mean I'm depressed? And if I'm depressed, what if I get so depressed that I end up wanting to kill myself? But I don't want to kill myself! My family and my boyfriend would be beside themselves! But if I'm having that thought, does that mean I'm having "suicidal thoughts"? And if I'm having suicidal thoughts, does that mean I actually want to kill myself and am in danger of doing so? But I don't want to die!" and so on and so on. I end up arguing with myself about how I don't want to die like it's imminent! Sometimes, I'll get more specific thoughts, and those are the most terrifying. My physical reaction is always the same - I immediately get that startled feeling, my stomach clenches painfully, I start panicking and doubting myself, I begin to cry and worry, and then I dwell on it for the rest of the day.
It's the one fear I haven't been able to shake, even after reassurance from both my therapist and the psychiatrist that manages my meds. They've both reassured me countless times (after I've asked), "No, you're not suicidal. We've seen suicidal people and those thoughts don't scare them. The fact that you're scared by those thoughts shows that you won't act on them." But, for some reason, I still can't get it out of my head.
So, has anyone else had these thoughts and successfully overcome them or even managed them? If so, how did you do it? I need to know that I'm not the only one (even though I know deep down that I'm not) out there with this fear.