Re: Bad ex boyf
Hi there sweetie,
I am so sorry to hear what that monster put you through. He was very sick, obviously, and you in NO WAY deserved what happened to you. As for what you said about not deserving your current boyfriend, that couldn't be further from the truth! Every woman deserves to be treated properly. No one DESERVES to be abused. You especially, after what you've been through, need to be handled with care and given lots of respect and love.
You sound like you might be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I had that, too, after being with several not-so-nice men. You are really lucky to have broken the cycle and not ended up with another abusive man. Many girls keep attracting the same kinds of manipulative, controlling men, because they have very low standards due to being so hurt and broken down in the past.
I really, strongly advise you to reach out to the people that love you and whom you can trust. As you said, you are completely dependent on your current boyfriend, which is not healthy at all. If you want to lead a happy life, and you want your current relationship to be a healthy one that will work out and be happy for you both, you REALLY need to see a counsellor, therapist, or psychologist. Particularly, one that specializes in abuse victims/trauma. You should look into finding one in your area, you can do this through the phonebook or online.
It will be the biggest favor you will ever do yourself if you do choose to seek treatment. It can provide you with the tools you need to get strong and to deal with your self esteem issues. Feeling like you don't deserve to be treated properly is not normal or healthy, and it's in direct result of the harmful actions that were done to you. You really have to take care of yourself and save your future, please try and get some help with your issues. You won't regret it. I know it is not an easy thing to do, and it's scary. But it's A LOT scarier to keep repeating the same mistakes and to lose the people you love because you are too codependent and have a lot of unresolved baggage.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and there is a way out of this. Finding a good therapist can help lead you through this and shine a light on the way out of the tunnel. There are free services out there too, if money is an issue. Don't be afraid to ask for the help you need. You DO deserve to be happy AND healthy. And if you still can't do it for yourself, do it for your relationship... do it for your future. But ultimately, you have to do this for you. Antidepressants/medications/quick fixes are not the answer. I'm not saying don't take your medication, I'm just saying you have a lot of work left to do in order to overcome this. You have to reach out and ask for help. Find the strength!
Good luck, and take care of yourself!