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Old 08-04-2011, 10:44 AM   #1
shdowdncrfaerie shdowdncrfaerie is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Morgantown, West Virginia, United States
Posts: 4
shdowdncrfaerie HB User
Unhappy Grieving for Mom

My mom passed away at the end of May. She died suddenly from cardiac arrest without seeming to have any signs of distress. She and I had had problems during my teen years (I am 25 now) but what mother/daughter relationship doesn't go through a stressful time? When I moved away and went to college when I was 20, she and I started to fix all of the problems that we had went through and she became my closest friend, even if we still argued a lot. I had just went home and spent a week with my parents and left to go home hours before she went into distress. She seemed absolutely fine when I left, though she apologized for having argued with me (which she and I never did, we just accepted it and moved on). I spent two months with my father, trying to help him get through everything but I don't think that I helped him at all... I feel like he was just passing everything off on me that was originally my mother's duties. I had to leave to go back to my home to start a new job, and I felt so guilty having left him alone. I have three brothers, two of which live about three hours from my dad (I live four hours away) but the third lives only about a half an hour away. But none of them even call, or in the case of the one who lives close, or come for a visit. And I get angry with them for their selfish behavior, because they could at least call every once in a while to find out how dad is doing, but they don't.

I have been in a very dark place since she passed. I have been diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder, or clinical depression) for years. After my mother died, I ran out of my anti-depressants that I have been prescribed for years. In the passed, I suffered with anxiety attacks that I have a record of being treated. After losing my mother, the anxiety came back. When I tried to go to my regular doctor in the middle of June, I was told that I couldn't get an appointment with her. So the doctor I saw temporarily gave me a small amount of medication to handle the anxiety attacks temporarily, but refused to put me back on my anti-depressants because he wasn't sure if that was a good idea. So as well as dealing with my mother's death, I have been battling my increased depression and possible suicidal ideation, and no doctor seems to be willing to help. And I am not sure which way to turn now. I feel like the load I am carrying is just getting heavier and I don't want to do anything stupid... Because I can't let my family go through any further grief, but I am really beginning to fear my mental condition.

 
The following user gives a hug of support to shdowdncrfaerie:
slenderella (08-04-2011)