| | Grieving for Mom
My mom passed away at the end of May. She died suddenly from cardiac arrest without seeming to have any signs of distress. She and I had had problems during my teen years (I am 25 now) but what mother/daughter relationship doesn't go through a stressful time? When I moved away and went to college when I was 20, she and I started to fix all of the problems that we had went through and she became my closest friend, even if we still argued a lot. I had just went home and spent a week with my parents and left to go home hours before she went into distress. She seemed absolutely fine when I left, though she apologized for having argued with me (which she and I never did, we just accepted it and moved on). I spent two months with my father, trying to help him get through everything but I don't think that I helped him at all... I feel like he was just passing everything off on me that was originally my mother's duties. I had to leave to go back to my home to start a new job, and I felt so guilty having left him alone. I have three brothers, two of which live about three hours from my dad (I live four hours away) but the third lives only about a half an hour away. But none of them even call, or in the case of the one who lives close, or come for a visit. And I get angry with them for their selfish behavior, because they could at least call every once in a while to find out how dad is doing, but they don't.
I have been in a very dark place since she passed. I have been diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder, or clinical depression) for years. After my mother died, I ran out of my anti-depressants that I have been prescribed for years. In the passed, I suffered with anxiety attacks that I have a record of being treated. After losing my mother, the anxiety came back. When I tried to go to my regular doctor in the middle of June, I was told that I couldn't get an appointment with her. So the doctor I saw temporarily gave me a small amount of medication to handle the anxiety attacks temporarily, but refused to put me back on my anti-depressants because he wasn't sure if that was a good idea. So as well as dealing with my mother's death, I have been battling my increased depression and possible suicidal ideation, and no doctor seems to be willing to help. And I am not sure which way to turn now. I feel like the load I am carrying is just getting heavier and I don't want to do anything stupid... Because I can't let my family go through any further grief, but I am really beginning to fear my mental condition.