Re: Always wondered if my father abused me
I can tell you some history about my childhood, but strangley enough, it doesn't involve my biological father and even stranger....I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED THIS ABOUT HIM......I've been molested by a neighbor's son at an early age, and then by my stepfather a few years later, and then by my step dad's friend...and so on and so forth it seems. No, back to the beginning....while my real dad and mom were married, my neighbor's son took me in the closet and messed with me and encouraged another boy down the street to do the same. I was 4 years old, and when my dad found us in the closet, he treated me like I was a willing participant, and him and my brother made me feel shame.
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Even though I never wanted to get in the closet to begin with, I was bullied. Okay, later, my parents divorced, mom married step dad and he started doing the same stuff. I never told for 4 years and my counselor says that my dad and brother's reaction to my first abuse sort of taught me that I would be part to blame in the molestation and I would be made to feel shame. Sure enough, when it came out, my dad <blamed me>
Later at age 14, I was flattered by the attentions of a 20 year old. Now, in all this time of abuse, I managed to keep my virginity in tact, but when the 20 year old made advances on me, I already felt so morally ashamed , so he did take my virginity. Later, he tried to do the same thing with my 13 year old sister...(this 20 year old "boyfriend)...and I didn't want that, so I told my mom and she wanted to press statutory rape charges and when she told my dad, he said in a mocking tone..."Oh, she wanted that, and then she later cries..."He raped me". So anyways, amazingly, I have no memories of my dad ever abusing me, but I feel distant from him and I try to hug him and he is stiff and I say "I love you" and he says "Okay"....but my earliest memories of him before any of this ugliness was of him holding me in his lap and reading to me, or letting me sleep in his bed against with his arm around me, against my back...so, why did he become distant later on?
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I know my past is so messed up that it's hard to pinpoint which incident causes what, but it's just always bothered me. Oh, and my brother is thousands of miles away and has no relationship with my dad whatsoever,
Oh yeah, and as an adult, I've heard my dad say "Sex is supposed to be wrong and dirty to feel good"....or something like that.