Re: new, 40+, lost
I went to two sessions with a therapist a couple of months ago, the first one was hard and I wasn't really comfortable with him but I thought is was because of me, I really trust the dr that refered me and when he mentioned this guy I was ready to try even though at the time my dr didn't know why I was asking for the referral. My second visit was difficult and when I would try to schedule a third appt I would have a panic attack, at that point I knew I couldn't go back. My dr has given me a list of 5 additional names but I just look at it, I google the names, I try to find out what I can about them find a picture but I know that cant help me decide so for almost 2 months I have stared at the list each day telling myself that I am going to call one of the names and yet getting to the end of each week without doing so. I was recently off work for 4 weeks after a surgery, home alone all day and I still couldn't get myself to call. I am afraid that I will be judged, the only person in my life I have ever told that I dealt with suicidal ideation on a regular basis went so balisitic on me because a friend had lost a son to suicide that I am afraid of loosing any other friends or relationships. With my dr it is double hard in that he is a friend, my dr and in a part of our lives my boss, not that I think he sees himself that way but I have too. I could live with losing a friend, I have lost more friends in this life than I care to admit because of my depression. I could always find another dr even in my small town we have 16 medical practitioners. What I can't risk is if I trust him, if I ask for help, if I tell him even a 1/3 of the things that go on in side my mind and what causes/caused them will he be able to handle my continuing to work in my current position. Right now work is the only thing that I have that keeps me going other than my kids. One will be leaving for college soon, the other has been considering leaving to live with his dad. If I lose all three I might as well cease to exist.
Sorry this is so long again evening really get to me as they tend to be times of quiet and thought. I actually have made it through most of the day without cutting, but this morning at work a took a friends police baton he thought as a joke and when he was otherwise occupied used the opportunity to beat on myself. I only left a couple of bruises but it felt good, like maybe a door had opened for a new opportunity. Maybe I really am insane. This can't be normal.