View Single Post
Old 01-15-2012, 06:08 PM   #2
AverageUser AverageUser is offline
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 27
AverageUser HB UserAverageUser HB UserAverageUser HB UserAverageUser HB UserAverageUser HB UserAverageUser HB User
Re: Can someone have a delayed response to abuse?

Yes, pedophilia may be limited to voyeurism toward offspring. I would honor my instincts, even when the other abuse is not considered. The verbal abuse is a means to control; destroying self-confidence is critical to the privacy required to abuse. A confident person will speak out, and possibly seek help. Imposed isolation and shame is very important to control. I would ask that you not say you "chose" these things. They are self-defensive mechanisms, a reaction to what was being done TO you.

Yes, a delayed response is typical; a healthy brain will not intentionally put itself at risk, and will remain in protective mode for as long as necessary. Learning and healing will most often only start after an abused person begins to feel safe from further abuse.

It is not surprising that this has come on after moving away from the abuse. As much longing as you may have for home, the more time and distance between you and the abuser(s), the safer you may feel. You sound as though you may now choose to be around those who would love you, and support your feelings and needs.

I absolutely understand the feeling of "damaged goods," as self-deprecating as I now believe it to be. This was something that was done TO you; it is not OF you; if you had a choice, you would have opted for a loving, supportive family. You are wounded, and can heal, not irreparably "damaged."

It is okay to be sad or depressed. Part of healing is acknowledging and grieving the losses that are a part of abuse. It sounds like your childhood was stolen from you, and grieving that loss is okay. When the bruises are all on the inside, self-doubt can be a bigger barrier to healing than when the bruises show. Emotional, sexual, financial and spiritual abuse do not need to leave physical marks to be real.

I want to say this so you don't wonder about it. Without an admission from the abuser, which is rare, it is impossible to know the type of abuser he was. It is possible that he is not a pedophile, per se, but that the violation of your privacy or was instead a part of overall domination of you. The effect on you would still be sexually abusive. When healing, the focus should be on your effects, rather than his causes. We don't ask an adult victim of a voyeur to explain why the perp did it , and it would be even more inappropriate to ask someone who grew up being abused to explain it. If he did it, he is guilty, not you. The shame belongs to HIM, not YOU.

It is very important, and I can not stress enough, not to try to go through this alone. Online support is great, but please try to see a counselor. Group therapy is very helpful to start talking about it, which is one of the hardest steps toward health.

Be good to yourself.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to AverageUser For This Useful Post:
student4toolong (01-17-2012)