Not feeling real/life feels like a dream
All my life I feel like I have not had any mental problems but once December began winding down and my semester began ending I started to get panic attacks and some severe anxiety. For the most part I have generally had stress and have always been able to deal with it, but at some point things just changed and my mind started going in circles with anxiety. At first I began feeling like I was going crazy and that I was going to lose it. I began thinking about my future and I just had images in my head of me just being hospitalized and not being able to function anymore. This was very traumatizing for me because I had never really had any of these feelings before accompanied by pure panic and terror. I went through these problems, and combated throughout finals week and when winter break began I sought out help from a counselor. I was able to gain a hold on things and everything just kind of sorted themselves out.
For me though my mind kept returning to the thoughts of anxiety, panic, and the scary thought that I felt like I was going crazy. I was able to distract myself, and on occasion it completely went away.
That was all until I began to somewhat sink back in to the bad thoughts that I was having before. What threw me in to what feels like a nightmare, is that I began thinking about life and what it means to be here and be human when I was slipping back in to panic. In my frenzied state of mind it spiraled downward and I have not stopped thinking about this question for almost the past week.
My initial thoughts were that life is not real, and that this life I am living is a complete dream. I for some reason did not feel human. One thing that has been completely messing with my head is the idea of perspective and how I am seeing things. I am able to see though my own eyes and what really freaks me out is the idea that other people see the world the same way as I do (through their own eyes) but I feel completely unattached to that. I just can not wrap my mind around it. Everyone around me kind of doesn't feel real. I end up feeling very lonely. I can have conversations and kind of slip out of the circular thoughts, but eventually I will end up going back in to the thoughts that life is not real and that these people just simply don't exist or something like that. It is almost like a surreal realization that I am a human on Earth and that I just simply can not understand why I am here and why I am on Earth. In addition I think about how much I want to get rid of these feelings (which I am working on; going back to a counselor tomorrow) and how much I just want to be able to connect with people again. The only problem is that I will listen to people and begin to calm down, but the big problem is that I will end up thinking again about how nothing feels real and that if nothing feels real then why should I listen to everyone.
Today I had the scariest instance I have had since the beginning. I was moving in to my new house at school and everything felt very odd. I got everything unpacked and organized and at the end of the day I felt like I couldn't remember the day. When I began thinking it felt as though I had been born yesterday, and that my life had simply not happened. It is incredibly weird and I feel like I am stuck in the present, completely detached from the past, and in some horrible nightmare. My anxiety makes me scared of the idea of completely losing touch and meshing reality with my dreams, but I know that I am simply worrying about things that have not happened.
Sorry for the longest post of all time, but I just have a lot to say and it is so much to take in right now. I have been normal all of my life, and I am just terrified of losing touch on reality. I know that I sound completely crazy right now (which I am terrified of people thinking that), but I am just trying to kind of pour everything out so that people can hopefully relate.
I hope that someone finds this useful and that people can gain from this. The most intriguing thing is that I had thoughts about life long ago in high school and they actually put me on a huge life high. It inspired me to do comedy and pursue my dreams. I did in fact and I was so active in TV and love making people laugh. I one day hope to change the world and make it a better place; making people happy along the way. If there is anyone out there, please feel free to respond. You help me and I'll help you. Thanks. (sorry for the tangent (I'm good at them(LOL)), but I just wanted to end on a positive note!)