Trying, trying, trying...
I woke up today feeling better than I have felt in a pretty long while...but I'm still not great.
Something is going on with me emotionally and it causes me not to trust my own memories anymore.
It turns out that I have been a person that lies and and person that cheats, and that has been almost impossible for me to bare. But I can bare it.
It turns out that I have not been the good person that I believed myself to be, but that doesn't mean that I can't be a better person than yesterday.
I can get through today.
I believe that it is going to take me a very long time to sort out what I am actually going through. What is memory? What isn't? Why would I have them if they aren't real and why would I have not remembered them if they are?
Yesterday the doctor told me that he thinks that my memories are real and that my old ones were what I needed to believe, but this morning my brother asked me if my memories were real...which I took that to understand that maybe, he too, has had memories that he questioned and realized that they were not. I'm pretty confused.
I am not confused about what I can do today.
Today, I can be honest about everything that I am thinking and feeling.
I do not have to burden my husband with those thoughts and feeling, but I can tell at least one other person, or this board.
Today, I went to a meeting.
Today, I made the phone calls necessary to schedule my therapy.
Today, I can honor my husbands emotions and give him the space that he requires.
Today, I can eat.
Today, I will not die.
Today, I will not make any grand gestures.
Today, I will not try to control what I remember or what I feel.
Today, I will not let what I remember or what I feel define me.
Today, I will cry.
Today, I hope to laugh.
Today, I can see that feelings of grandeur (i.e. being followed or listened to) are false and have more to do with sickness than psychic.
Today, I will pray. Because it calms me and it works.
Taking a breath, I am grateful to have found this outlet. My days, right now, are spent alone and I like the idea of this internet universe to help me vent.