I'm ruining my own life.
I'm a 25 year old female.
Since being a very small child, I've always had problems with my personality. Always in trouble at school, always arguing with someone, always drama, if its not one thing its another.....
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I feel like everyone is getting at me, even strangers, even people on the phone if Im ringing up to pay a bill. I end up having an argument with them. I constantly feel like my back is up, and need to defend myself. I had a lot of hassle as a child, I used to watch my mum get beat up for 5 years, brutally.
I just feel like no one has ever defended me & I sure as hell make sure I defend myself now. Thats the problem, I have no reason to defend myself against most of these people. My attitude stinks. Im just a nasty sarcastic indivdual at the moment, and Im getting worse by the day. I wouldnt win a popularity contest. Im not bothered about everyone else, but I want to be better to my mum, we just dont get along & only tolerate each other for small amounts of time. Shes ALWAYS picking at me, always makes me feel so low about myself. Same with my grandma, I think if I got proper support from them that would help. I have tried asking. Also my mouth is atrocious. If Im in an argument the language I come out with is fowl, I dont care what I say, as long as I get the better of someone. It could be the lowest of the low, but I'd say it.
Last christmas I was arguing with a girl on a night out, we battered each other & she ended up stabbing me, then I really went to town on her, she was unrecognisable & kept trying to run away, I wouldn't let her. I kept beating her.
Last week, I was in a taxi rank, a man attacked me & kicked the hell out of me, cos we were arguing.
TODAY, I've had a massive public argument through FB with people who live around me.
I dont know how to control myself & its tearing my life apart. I have a two year old son, and I want to change for his sake. If he turned out like me being defensive and argumentative and angry, it'd break my heart. I do know if it wasnt for my child, I'd be in prison, dead, or an alcoholic.
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