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Old 02-28-2012, 02:52 AM   #1
greenstumpie greenstumpie is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: New York
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Unhappy grieving mom's death :0(

Hey...

I need some advice...i have been having issues with grieving the death of my mom seven years ago from cancer... i feel guilty for not being with her towards the end... i was in a state psychiatric facility/hosp... and couldnt see her as much as i wanted to... the psyxh hosp let me visit her several times during her final hosp visit... where she died two weeks after her admission... i was 19 when she died... she was only 49... this may sound crazy but at times im in major denial of her death... like... almost... it never happened... maybe she is at work... whatever... there are times when i feel like i almost hear the loud roar of her bright blue Oldsmobile... her diagnosis came by accident in a way... you see... she got into a big car accident and went to the hosp due to chest pains... she got a cat scan done along with x rays which unpredictably showed the mass of tumors in her lungs... they said it was stage 4... it kept on spreading... she had a lobe of her lung removed... but it was already too late... the cancer metastasized to her brain... the doc gave her a couple months to live... but it only took weeks aftee months of radiation and chemo... she was my everything... she was really the only person who understood and got my mental illnesses... the self harm... everything... she never judged or was angry when i left collegedue to the mental illness... she was patient... she was kind... and now she is dead... i have never had such a close death in my entire life... the only one that changed it... my father has been nonexistent in my life since i was five years of age... she was all i had (not cpunting my siblings and grandmother)... sometimes i think that i didnt have it as bad as my grandmother... she lost both her firstborn and her only daughter... i often catch my aelf obsessively reading over and over again her obituary... her wake/funeral card... and her death certificate...

What is normal grieving??? My emotions and thpughts are everywhere...

I heard that anger is part of the grieving process... im not angry at my mom persay... more likely the cigarettes she smoked (to relax... she had to raise four kids... near in age since i was five... my sister was 3, my younger brother was one and my older brother was 7... three of us who were disabled...) im more angry at myself... always blaming myself for not throwing the cigarettes away... giving more support at her attempts to stop smoking... and sooo many guilt/angry thoughts/obsessions...

Is there a proper way to grieve...

Is it dishonorable to my mom when i try to push back thoughts, memories, and flashbacks... am i a horrible daughter???
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