| | Rocd????
This is my story, short background before I talk about what's been recent. When I was a child, I was disagnoised with a learning disability but my doctor said I had shown signs of some OCD but my family never really paid mind to this. And for years it's gone unnoticed. And I never paid heed to it either.
Not till now. Over the growing years out of the blue, I started getting a fear of germs but I paid no need to it because I figured that there had to be plenty of people who were afraid of germs. I couldn't use a public washrooms and I was told that was perfectly normal and I shouldn't worry, I started not being able to touch the garbage without gloves, or anything in general. But I also thought nothing of this, I tried to force myself to talk because it angered my family and caused me to get yelled at. It still does.
I've had other obsessions such as with my health. But I never related this to OCD. When I was still a virgin, I would freak out if I missed a period or if it was even a few days late, and what was my thought that I was automatically pregnant. But I was a VIRGIN, I knew it was nuts but I still would check myself. Feel my stomach. If I looked like i gained weight I would think there had to be something inside me. The slightest of pains in my chest, I thought was cancer, I believed myself for months that i had a brain tumour and I would seek reassurance and such online.
I never let any of this take over my daily life however. Although I noticed patterns in my behaviour that made me loose friends over the years, but I tried my hardest to thing it wasn't me. It was them. None of them bothered to sit and ask and find out if there was something wrong with me.
Like i said I never let any of this bother me. Besides the fact I have trouble holding a job. But everything else was fine. I'm 21 and I'm about to start a life with my boyfriend soon after her graduates from college. He's my first boyfriend. We've been together for seven years. And I've always been happy and always pictured a future with him.
Suddenly in November. When he got off for the night. I was thinking thoughts of love and such when suddenly like the blink of an eye they changed. I started thinking he was unattractive which is redicilious. Sure there are times he doesn't look his best but he's always been attractive.
These thoughts lasted for a while then they went away. And I was back to my usual self. Now my usual self for some time has always obsessed over him. Worried about him, what he was doing when he wasn't around me, who he was with, was he cheating on me or was he really in love with me.
Then in January the thoughts came again. This time I was laughing with him when the thoughts suddenly came. That I didn't love him. They came slowly and slowly and got worse to the point that my anxiety was so high I was pulling my hair and pacing and couldn't sleep. (I would often bang my head against my pillow demanding the thoughts to stop)
This lasted for some weeks. Then they quieted and I felt numb couldn;t feel any emotions. I lost my sense of humour and all interest in my hobbies and such. I couldn't listen to my favourite music or watch my favourite shows or movies. I sat there questioning everything.
Then I started Effexor XR on 37.5mg first and still on it until my next appointment. The thoughts started again but I was much calmer this time. The only time I feel the anxiety is when I feel this growing pain inside my head at the thoughts.
I started doing research. In the beginning I thought it was a brain tumour that was causing my new change in myself. I didn't feel anything like myself and I still don't and I can;t even remember the girl I was before or how she felt.
I started doing more research until I came across relationship-ocd and what I read was relating to how i felt, as well as I was before how some rocd feel they was insecure about their relationship, can become overly jealous even though they know its irriational like I knew it was. i knew he loved me but I still got controlling and jealous.
My friends all say "Oh that's not ocd, there's no such there it's just infatuation and you;re growing out of it. See I told you, you two were never meant for each other"
This started a new compulsion looking up infatuation vs love and how can it turn into love or can it. Everything I read about infatuation was describing me but so was the feelings of love, care and commitment. So this started a new anxiety. Was I really in love these last seven years...?
I just don't know anymore. And it scares me. I've always wanted him. And I still want him in my future, I want to make this work. But the thoughts are making me crazy and think I'll be in a loveless relationship even though deep down I feel the love. This is even making me see his flaws like i never did before. I know sometimes infatuation hides that and you can;t love everything about a person.
Can i please get some advice. I've been on the OCD forums and such and I been telling myself I need to stop to make myself better but it's gets hard sometimes and I just go back to looking and reassurance.